Quiet Musings.

Kim did WHAT?!

2011-11-07T21:21:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I know that I haven't posted in a while, but this whole Kim Kardashian drama is really getting to me. It's all over the (entertainment) news - how she staged her wedding, she never really loved Chris, he was a jerk to her, etc.

All of this publicity for her has made me really sad, yet at the same time... I feel a little bit hopeful toward today's society. I know that many, many people are saying that Kim did a ridiculous thing by getting married to a man she didn't even love and for doing so possibly just for the publicity. But here's the thing - at least people are disagreeing with her, right?

I think I would be really worried about where this culture was going if no one said anything about it and thought she was just "following her heart." However, this isn't the case. People who you would never expect to even care are furious about this, saying that Kim is destroying what marriage should be about.

I was watching TMZ the other day, and I was pleasantly surprised to hear the things that the people said about Kim's marriage. They talked about how she should have never gotten married in the first place, that you shouldn't marry a person if you're unsure at all, and how actions like hers are the reason that we have a 50% divorce rate in this country.

This kind of talk on television makes me feel at least a little bit better about our culture. Yes, we are far from doing well morally, but I'm glad to see that people do understand that marriage is supposed to be sacred - well, at least *more* sacred than Kim made it.

...I thought about adding something about gay marriage as well, but I think I'll save that for another time. There's a debate going on why people say that homosexuals are destroying the sanctity of marriage when they love each other and want to get married, but heterosexuals like Kim can do things like this. I might try to tackle it... we'll see. It's an interesting debate, though. Here's where I think it'll come down to, though:: Both are not good, not healthy, and not the way God intended marriage to be.

Sappy Moment #1.

2011-09-20T20:35:00.000-05:00

So, I've decided that I'm going to just post whenever I feel sappy (which is a lot, actually).

So here's the first one: I walked down the aisle to this song. And I love it. :)

Peace for My Soul.

2011-09-17T17:44:00.001-05:00

So right now, I'm sitting in my comfy apartment, enjoying the peaceful (yet cloudy) day outside, and listening to relaxing music. As I sit here, and as I earlier wrote in my journal and read my Bible, I realized something disheartening - I haven't really relaxed in ages. There's just something about taking the time to sit and ponder life, God, and where He has me right now that is just so refreshing.

Eric is gone this weekend, which - even though I really miss him - has given me a chance to be alone, and I'm actually enjoying the solitude for now. I know that when he comes back tomorrow I'm going to be really excited to see him, but for now... I'm enjoying the solitude. I've been productive for the most part - I started my online classes and I'm going to clean tomorrow after church - and then when I started pondering life, it just felt... wonderful.

The more busy I get, the more things that Eric and I do, the more I forget about the importance of alone time every once in a while. I get too busy for rest - so when I do try to rest, it doesn't really work. One of my friends posted a quote on Facebook the other day that really stood out to me:

"...getting eight hours of sleep may very well be the most holy thing we do as followers of Jesus. It’ll help keep us from making ourselves and everyone around us miserable. Busyness, hurry, and over-commitment are not badges of honor. On the contrary, they are indicative of a sick soul."

I am so, so guilty of being over-committed in my life. I expect something to be happening all the time - otherwise... I'm not a good Christian, and I'm not as holy as other people. Either that, or I'm not as good of a worker and I'm not going to succeed. Both of these are absolute lies. God gave us the ability to sleep for a reason, and we have a certain number of hours of sleep that we should get for a reason. For so long I've ignored this (college does that to a person), but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it is so important. Last night I got 10 hours of sleep, and it was magnificent. I have been so behind on sleep lately that my body has just been fatigued and I've felt irritable and grumpy, which is definitely not a good sign.

I don't want to have a sick soul. I want to treasure my relationship with the Lord, with Eric, and with everyone else around me. I want to be able to give the people I'm with and the things that I'm doing 100% of my attention instead of being worried about how tired I am, how exhausted I feel... etc. The care for one's soul is of utmost importance, and yet... it's often neglected. I don't want to do that anymore.

I want peace... peace for my soul, peace that doesn't just last for a moment, but peace and rest that comes from making my relationship with the Lord my priority and taking care of myself like I should by making time for rest a priority.

However... Rest doesn't just mean sleep. It means taking time out of my day to sit. To read. To listen to calming music. To stop worrying about the stresses of life and just... be.

When was the last time you allowed yourself to just be? To just sit, ponder, be creative, relax? If it's been a while... I highly suggest taking even just half an hour to quiet your heart and mind, be still, and just... be.

3 Months and Counting. :)

2011-09-13T06:48:00.000-05:00

So, yes. Sunday was Eric's and my 3-month anniversary, and it's weird to think that we've already been married for 3 months. We're starting to settle into our life here in Minnesota, and we're looking forward to the journey ahead of us. :)

These first 3 months have definitely taught each of us a lot more about who we are individually, and who we are to each other. I had a friend post about her marriage thus far, and she talked about how it wasn't as difficult as people said it would be. However, that's not how it's been for Eric and I. We are learning that marriage is the sweetest relationship in the world, but it's also the most difficult. We are called to deny ourselves everyday and to let the other person be who they are without trying to control anything, and it's not always easy. But I will tell you this: Marriage is the best thing to happen to us.

Though it's not easy, and though we might argue over the best way to start a campfire, or over what time we should go to church on Sunday morning, we wouldn't trade it for the world. It's not always cake and butterflies, but we are growing and being stretched more than I would have even thought possible. Marriage has such a way of showing you exactly how flawed you are and everything that you have failed at and need to work on. We're excited for this journey - it's going to be long and difficult, but the enjoyment of knowing that we have each other for the rest of our lives is totally worth it.

Life together is beginning to be normal for us. We enjoy the simple things - the kiss goodbye as we head off to our jobs, the 3 roses he brings me when I'm sick, the walks we take in the park just happy to hold each other's hands.... It's so sweet. We don't need a lot, and we don't have a lot. But the important thing is that we have each other, and that's all we need. Sure, bills and other expenses will certainly be part of our lives, but we can get through it because we have each other - and most importantly, we are grounded and bound together by Jesus Christ.

Almost every night, right before we go to sleep, Eric asks me if we can pray together. This is one of the sweetest things for me, because it helps me remember that while we are close together, we are only together because of God's purposes in our lives, and we need to look to Him for our strength and guidance. I love hearing the question, "Can we pray?" from my dear husband, and I respect him so much for doing that.

We have a lot to learn in our marriage. We are nowhere even close to being perfect at our relationship, but we're enjoying the ride, no matter how difficult it gets. We're excited to come closer together, to learn how to deal with life's situations, and to one day have babies and learn how to raise them in the way they should go.

I'm married to my best friend, and that's the best feeling in the world. I know that no matter what happens, no matter how difficult things get, he's going to be there for me and love me, and I couldn't ask for anything more than that. I'm really looking forward to the rest of our lives. :)

When I Get Distracted.

2011-08-28T12:57:00.000-05:00

Life is messy. Life is hard. Life is distracting.

I get distracted so often, and this song always pulls me back into focus. Our pastor had a great message today on Romans 8, and that no matter what... no matter the hardships or the suffering, God is there. He wants to comfort us and bring us into His arms, and He wants to make us His own.

All my delight is in You, Lord.

I will live to bring Him praise.

I Just Don't Understand.

2011-08-24T18:01:00.000-05:00

You know, sometimes I just don't understand why horrible things happen to people. People who seem to be really kind and caring. I know that everyone is a sinner and does bad things, but there just seems to be something so unfair about really nice girls having horrible things happen to them, and then developing mental disorders because of those traumatic experiences that weren't even their fault.

I know that God knows what He's doing and He has the world under control, but there are just some things I can't figure out.

What about the nice, good girl who gets raped? What about the good guy who gets horribly beaten and sent to the hospital? What about the little kids who have to grow up without a mother because their dad murdered her? What about the woman who has not only one miscarriage, but 3, 4, 5...?

I know that this is gruesome, but these things really happen. All the time.

My heart cries for justice.

My heart cries for God to hear the broken and bruised.

For God to physically intervene and save these people.

Ugh. I just don't understand sometimes (I hate not having all the answers).

Life is a journey, NOT the destination.

2011-08-23T13:34:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I posted a blog titled, "Forgiveness and Resentment", talking about the people who have hurt me in the past and how difficult it has been to forgive them. Along those same lines (referring to those people), I have really done a lot of thinking lately, and come to realizations through different situations and circumstances in my life.

Let me explain.

When I was really hurt, part of that hurt made me question what my purpose in life was a,nd why I was going to Moody, and even why I was with Eric (like I didn't deserve the life that I had with him). It has been a really long journey filled with pain and tear. The pain that came from what happened a year ago is still very present with me, and has really been difficult to try and overcome. However, I really feel as though I'm on the other side and I'm beginning to see the hope from what happened.

Through meeting with certain people in my life, I have been so encouraged that though I definitely made mistakes in the situations which hurt me the most, I also did whatever I could to try and make things right. Also, just because I made these mistakes doesn't mean that I'm not fit for ministry or doing well in life. It just simply means that I'm not perfect. Though I struggle to see it sometimes (or often) I am coming to realize that God can use me in the midst of my imperfections and failings.

One of the biggest things I have come to realize is that I don't always have to rely on the opinions of others. Whether it is their opinion of me or the fact that they have a different perspective, I don't need to take that opinion and treat it as right simply because it's their opinion. I need to be wise and discerning about what I allow to actually make a difference to me when it comes to people's opinions (especially their opinions of my character).

Now, don't get me wrong: This doesn't mean that I think I should only listen to the good things that people think and say about me, but rather take what people say as criticism and line it up with either what I've done or said, and see if maybe what they've said truly is a weakness of mine.

For example, a year ago I had my integrity called in to question. Because I wasn't discerning, I let this person's opinion of me rule my heart and mind and I began to wonder who I really was if I didn't have the integrity that I thought I did. Once I thought about it clearly and objectively however, I realized that I did have integrity in that specific situation, and this person just saw me completely wrong and misinterpreted the situation without understanding my perspective and my own situation at the time.

God really is teaching me and growing me so much. I have learned so much about what it means to follow Him and how it's okay not to be perfect and to make mistakes. When I was right in the heart of all my mess, one thing that Eric told me really stuck with me. He said that it doesn't matter what mistakes I made; it matters what I did afterwards to make it right. Though the people that I tried to reconcile with did not accept it... It doesn't matter. That's their decision, and I can't change it. All I can do is change my behavior, so that I know that I can stand before the Lord with a clear conscience, knowing that I did whatever I could to make things right.

My dear readers, we don't have to be perfect. We aren't called to be perfect. We are called to take each day one step at a time, steadily becoming more like Christ.

Did you hear that? We don't have to be like him right now. This life is a process. It's a journey - not the destination. We are going to make mistakes, and we are going to hurt people, be hurt, and feel like we can't do a single thing right.

But.

We will never get to a point where we are no longer acceptable to God. We will never reach a point where we have made too many mistakes for God to take us back again. He will always take us back, with arms wide open.

Friends, if you believe in Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you will always have this hope available to you. God will never leave you, nor forsake you. And my dear friends who may not believe, you can have this hope available to you, if "you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead." (Romans 10:9) It is through this belief that we are saved and we can have eternal life with the One who rescued us from eternal punishment.

And like my beloved husband said,

It doesn't matter the mistakes we make - what matters is how we make things right.

Bible Boredom.

2011-08-17T15:55:00.003-05:00

[Well, picture #2 wins! Not that I got a lot of responses on my question.. But I understand. This whole changing my blog every other day is getting pretty annoying. I wish I could find something that just looked completely amazing and had everything that I could want. *sigh* Well, until then, I guess my blog is going to be a work in progress.]

Anyhoo...

I have a confession to make. I rarely spend any time reading my Bible. Seriously, it's pretty sad. Anybody else have that problem? Gosh, I always have these high hopes and dreams that I'll read it every day and I'll make it so important, and then... I decide to read Harry Potter or another such book instead, because it's more "entertaining."

However, God definitely has His own way of getting our attention, doesn't He? The way it seems that He's chosen to get my attention is through none other than... insomnia. Yes. Insomnia.

Ugh.

Okay. So, the past week or so I have just been sleeping horribly, and last night was the worst. Neither Eric (he had other reasons for not being able to sleep) nor I were able to sleep, and it was just brutal. So, I decide to pick up my Bible for the first time in probably 3 weeks or more and actually read it. I read through the book of Philippians (short book, easy read) and I read Psalm 145.

After reading that Psalm, I thought to myself... How can I be reading about this amazing God right now and be so in awe of Him, and then the next day just completely push Him to the side? ...The depravity of my sinful nature is almost unfathomable.

Unfortunately, I don't have any simple solutions or amazing breakthroughs in this post. Just thoughts... questions... confessions. I truly want to get into Scripture and grow deeper in my relationship with Christ, but it's definitely not easy - especially when I don't *feel* like reading my Bible, and I'd rather be reading something else.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Here's Psalm 145 for you guys to mull over if you'd like. God is pretty stinkin' awesome.

Psalm 145

I will exalt you, my God the King;
   I will praise your name for ever and ever.
Every day I will praise you
   and extol your name for ever and ever.
  Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
   his greatness no one can fathom.
One generation commends your works to another;
   they tell of your mighty acts.
They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
   and I will meditate on your wonderful works.
They tell of the power of your awesome works—
   and I will proclaim your great deeds.
They celebrate your abundant goodness
   and joyfully sing of your righteousness.
  The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
   slow to anger and rich in love.
  The LORD is good to all;
   he has compassion on all he has made.
All your works praise you, LORD;
   your faithful people extol you.
They tell of the glory of your kingdom
   and speak of your might,
so that all people may know of your mighty acts
   and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
   and your dominion endures through all generations.
   The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises
   and faithful in all he does.
The LORD upholds all who fall
   and lifts up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look to you,
   and you give them their food at the proper time.
You open your hand
   and satisfy the desires of every living thing.
  The LORD is righteous in all his ways
   and faithful in all he does.
The LORD is near to all who call on him,
   to all who call on him in truth.
He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
   he hears their cry and saves them.
The LORD watches over all who love him,
   but all the wicked he will destroy.
  My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
   Let every creature praise his holy name
   for ever and ever.

PS - Over 5,000 views! Wow... I can't believe it. Thanks for reading my blog, friends. :)

Another survey!

2011-08-16T20:43:00.000-05:00

I know, I know... I'm starting to get obnoxious with my surveys and polls. HOWEVER...

I need your help.

Today I made two possible signs for my blog (yes, I'm changing it again, but this time hopefully it'll be more permanent. I've just never found one that has actually satisfied me. My coffee blog is the only one I'm satisfied with.) I would really like to have your input on which one you like better! Please comment and let me know what you think.

Here they are:

#1.

#2.

Thanks guys! I really appreciate your input. :) If you have any other ideas of how I can make them better, let me know that as well! Thanks again! <3

Poll and Life. :)

2011-08-15T16:20:00.000-05:00

Hey guys! This is my first time updating my personal blog in a long time. ...I've missed it. It's fun blogging about coffee, but I really like just being able to write.

So anyway... Life is going pretty well. My friends are starting to go back to school now, and it's really weird to think that I'm not going back. Am I really done with campus life? It just feels so strange. There's even a part of me that feels like I'm not ready for it to be over - college was such an amazing experience for me.

However.. I'm definitely glad to be in the place I'm at right now. :) I'm adjusted to Minnesota now, and I kinda like the guy I'm married to. ;)

Speaking of my husband... You may have noticed that there is now a poll on the side of the page. If you would be so kind as to answer the question honestly, that would be much appreciated. :) You see, Eric and I have been in a heated debate about what the "normal" place to clip your nails is, and we want to know what you guys think! :) (I know... stupid, boring married debates, but humor us, please) :)

If you haven't moseyed on over to my other blog yet, please do! It's under this button. ;)

Thanks, guys. Love you all! :)

PS - Here's a random picture from our life. We made a breakfast feast last week for the first time on our griddle, and it was so much fun! :)

READ THIS!

2011-08-13T08:35:00.001-05:00

Okay guys:

I know this has been super confusing, but after I changed the address to my blog and started blogging away on a new one, I realized that I and no one else could access my old blogs! That was really unfortunate, since I have 3 years worth of old blogs on here.

So here's the deal:

I actually had an old blog on another address, so I just fixed it up, and it looks like my coffee blog! So please follow me on that one! I know I have 19 followers on here, but I'm hoping you'll transfer to the other one as well. Thanks guys!

Here's the link: http://buddingbarista.blogspot.com.

Thanks again!

Blessings And A Bit Of Sap.

2011-08-02T14:47:00.001-05:00

Hey guys -

So, today I'm doing things a little bit differently again. I'm gonna write out some thoughts, and THEN I've got a video that I'm gonna post (beware, it's super sappy, for those of you who don't like cheesy lovey stuff...).

Here goes.

I met with a friend today after I got off of work, and one thing we talked a lot about was how incredibly blessed we are here in America. We talked about our different experiences in other countries (my experiences in Mexico and Peru and hers in Guatemala) and how those people over there have almost nothing, and yet are most often 20x more content than we are here in America. They are so willing to give of their time and the little resources that they have even though they have almost nothing, and yet here we are in America with so much to give... and we keep it all for ourselves.

I know that I'm guilty of that SO often. I just want more and more (especially when it comes to money) and I'm so hesitant to give anything away. I take everything that I have for granted, and am hardly ever actually grateful for anything that I have. Why do I do this, even though I have so much and can easily give of my time and resources to other people?

When I ask myself that question I can only come up with one answer - I am totally, utterly, and completely sinful. I am such a selfish human being, and sometimes it has to take everything that I have within myself to actually be selfless. And often times... I don't want to make that effort.

So.... I'm making a pledge. I want to be more grateful, more willing to give away my time and resources, and not take my blessings for granted. Obviously I'm not going to be perfect at it. I'm going to screw up, I'm going to take the people in my life for granted, I'm going to be stingy with my money and free time... But the point is that I want to try. I want to try to be different in how I live my life. I don't want to live selfishly, but rather I want to live selflessly as best as I can. ...We'll see how well I do at it.

Okay. So now.... for the sappy part. Last week I decided to learn the song "You Got Me" by Colbie Caillat (Yes, it's a super sappy song). I sung it for Eric, and now I'm going to post a video of me singing it on my blog, because.... well... I can. Trust me, you are under NO obligations to listen to it! I just have a desire to show people how much I love my husband and how much he means to me. So this is one way that I want to do that. I know that it's really cheesy, but... I don't really care. Y'all can take your cold hearts somewhere else if you're grossed out by it. ;) Just kidding! I understand that people are different, but anybody who knows me even a little bit knows that I'm a hopeless romantic. So... here's the video. :) Oh, and I DO realize that it gets pitchy in parts. Don't judge -- no one's perfect, and I had just learned the song that day. So there. =P Love you all! :) (Oh, I DO apologize for the quality. I'm hoping to get a better camera in the future...)

Eric Pegors - You are the biggest blessing in my life. Through all of my screw ups and failings, you still choose to love me every day, and I can't thank you enough for that. I don't deserve you, but God has blessed me with you anyway-- I am immensely grateful for that. Thank you for being the man that you are. I am so glad to have had these 18 months with you as your girlfriend, fiancee, and now your wife, and I'm looking forward to a lifetime more with you. Love you. :) <3

New Method. Maybe.

2011-07-28T07:16:00.001-05:00

Hey guys, I did a video blog for the first time. I'm not sure how it's going to go, but we'll see! I feel like I can talk about updates and things going on in my life more interestingly this way, so we'll see whether or not I decide to keep going with it. :) Here you go! Oh, and I have a few disclaimers:

1. I did this on Wednesday night, which is why it's all dark.
2. At the beginning I'm trying to say "Hey guys" but it got cut off, so all you hear is "..uys".
3. I have a brain fart in the middle of the video.... but that's okay.
4. Professors at Moody - We really DO love you. We just have a different relationship with Dr. Peterman.
5. Mom - I really AM glad that you commented on my Glee blog. It's nice to have a fan no matter what. :)

Also, let me know if you want whether I should keep doing video blogs, I should write, or whether I should do a combination of both. I want your input! :)

Thanks, everyone! <3

Glee: A Review.

2011-07-25T12:34:00.001-05:00

Well, as some of you may know, a few months ago I posted a status on Facebook most ardently declaring my hatred for the T.V. show, Glee. However, I had only seen two episodes, and therefore I later realized that I needed to have a little more exposure to the show in order to actually make an intelligent judgment about it. Because of this, I ended up watching the entire first season, and am planning on watching the second season when it becomes available.

When I was first introduced to Glee (I watched 2 episodes from the second season) I despised and even almost *violently* hated the show. I couldn’t imagine why any Christian would want to watch it, and I couldn’t believe that such “filth” would be entertaining.

However…

While I still maintain some of my thoughts from before, after watching the first season, I do not hate the show as violently as I did before. In fact… I actually find it fairly entertaining and fun.

In judging this show at the moment, I’m really trying to be objective. I DO think that this show has great entertainment value and the quality of the music is amazing. They also do a very good job at showing what our culture is like right now, and the things that our culture believes about teen pregnancy, homosexuality, religion, sex, the education system, etc.

I would say that this show very clearly has an agenda. In researching this show during my Apologetics class last semester (shoutout to Sawyer, Allie, and Evan) we saw that the worldviews of the creators and writers of the show very clearly come across in the plot and the music.

In doing this project, I was in charge of the technical qualities of the show (I knew that if I tried to have an opinion on anything else other than the technical aspect, I would have been too emotional and not fair to the show itself). I still hold to my belief that the aesthetic quality of the show is very high. However, the plot always leaves something to be desired. The plot lines are most often very shallow, and not only that, but they tend to be totally unrealistic. For example, there is an episode where Glee needs more members, and the football team is required to try out and if they don’t, then they will not be allowed to play in the homecoming game. Not only is that totally unrealistic, but some football players do not decide to sing with Glee until the last minute, and “magically” they know all of the music and dance steps.

I could go on for a while about the plot holes and lack of quality in the acting itself, but I’ll refrain. Instead, I think I will attempt to judge the moral quality of the show. This is a difficult one for me to do. I often become very emotional about whatever I’m trying to judge, and I judge it unfairly and I’m more biased than I would like to be. However, I’m going to try hard not to be like that right now.

Much of the show is very clearly against Christianity. In some senses, you could say that it is against religion in general, but the only religion that is really made fun of is Christianity. One of the episodes in the second season focuses on the “celibacy club” and they are shown to be naïve and ignorant Christians who think that the song “Afternoon Delight” is not talking about sex, but rather about having dessert in the afternoon instead of after supper. In Regional’s, Sue Sylvester has her singing group perform “Jesus is a Friend of Mine” in order to appease the judges who are “religious.” However, later the judge who is a nun reveals that she only became a nun in order to “stay off the poles.” The leader of the “celibacy club” is also revealed as not actually wanting to be celibate because she believes in abstinence but rather because she is afraid of sex and believes that it is wrong (even in marriage).

Other than just religion, this show is “edgy” (to say the least) in the moral arena. In the first season, the head cheerleader is pregnant, but after she has her baby, nothing more is said, and it is as if it never happened. There are constantly different love-triangles forming, the head cheerleader cheats on her boyfriend, he’s actually in love with another girl… And these things continue.

This show has a few redeeming qualities, however. As mentioned previously, the head cheerleader becomes pregnant during the first season. She gets pressure from family and friends to have an abortion (mainly from her mother) so that she can keep her figure, her status, and her reputation, but she very firmly declares that she is going to keep the baby. Equality between all people is also very prevalent – no matter the race, gender, background, abilities, disabilities, every person in Glee is treated equally and given respect. If they are not respected by any person in the show, it is obvious that this is wrong and unfair treatment, and it is rectified throughout the episode(s).

Overall, this show, while being shallow and very clearly having an agenda, it is entertaining and very accurately represents what is popular in today’s culture and how people think and believe about certain topics. When I first watched this show, I believed that no Christian should watch it with a clear conscience. However, my feelings have now changed on this issue. I believe that there is a right and a wrong way to go about watching it. If this show is merely a form of entertainment to the believer and they are not keeping their minds and hearts alert to what is going on, then I believe that this is not smart and could in time be very detrimental. This kind of attitude can lead to insensitivity to the aspects of culture which are against what the Bible says, and this may lead us into believing that those types of things are “okay” or even “right.”

I believe that the right way for a believer to go about watching this show (and I will NEVER be perfect at it) is to watch it with discernment and watch it through the lenses of the Bible. This is not easy to do, but it is very important in order not to be hardened by what the world says to be right and wrong. When I started doing this, it was helpful for me to discuss the issues in the episode with other people (i.e. Eric and other friends who cared to be discerning as well) and I realized that I started being discerning about other shows and movies as well.

It is critical for the believer’s mind to be engaged in whatever he or she is watching. Once we let go of our minds when it comes to secular culture, then we open ourselves up to the possibility of believing false doctrines and following the ways of the world. It is of utmost importance that we be discerning and know what we are talking about when it comes to shows like this or other aspects of culture so that we may be a true witness and light to the rest of the world. If we aren’t discerning, then we may lose our credibility with the world and we will not be as effective for Christ as we could be.

Forgiveness and Resentment.

2011-07-21T07:13:00.003-05:00

You know, it's crazy how thin the line between forgiveness and resentment/bitterness can be. One minute I feel as though I have forgiven those people in my past who have hurt me, and the next... I'm feeling resentful and angry.

About a year ago, I was deeply hurt by a few people. I knew that I had done wrong in the situation, and I tried apologizing for it... but it was of no use. I desperately wanted (and still want) reconciliation to take place, but it never happened, and it was painfully obvious that it was not desired from the other side.

Even though it was a year ago, I still have a lot of pain from that situation. I have tried forgetting about it and moving on, but it's not that simple. I want to just forgive all those people who hurt me and hurt me on purpose, but it's not easy. Through those people's accusations of my character, I have had to wrestle through a lot of questions and doubts about who I am and who Christ sees me to be. I constantly question now my abilities to do ministry and to get along with others in ministry, and I question my motivations for doing the things that I do.

Though I do not question or doubt myself as much as I did right after everything happened, the pain is still evident. I have had some people in my life wonder why I can't just forget about it and move on, and why I'm holding on to it. The truth is... I don't know either. I desperately want to be free of these doubts and I want to have confidence in the abilities and talents that God has given me, but it feels almost impossible to do that.

I am the type of person that just wants to "fix" things. I want to fix everything that I've done wrong to anyone, and I almost always feel as though it's up to me to make things right, because I'm normally in the wrong (at least that's how I tend to look at it). I feel so great when the other person wants reconciliation as well, and I have had wonderful friendships blossom from those times of reconciliation. However... Feeling as though it is on me to fix everything tends to blow up in my face when the other person is not interested in any kind of reconciliation whatsoever. I beat myself up thinking that I have done something so bad to not even deserve forgiveness or reconciliation, and that because of my stupid behavior, I have lost the opportunity to make things right and be forgiven.

But the truth is... that is ALL a lie. I am not expected to in a sense humiliate myself and beg for mercy from others, but rather I am to do my part in apologizing for my share in the situation and asking for forgiveness. After that... I'm off the hook. If I have gone into my apology with the right attitude and truly desire forgiveness and reconciliation, then that's all that is expected of me. No more, no less.

This is why I love the book of Romans. So often I think that if I don't try hard enough, if I don't apologize to others and to God enough, then I'm going to lose credibility and I'm either no longer going to be loved or I'm going to be judged and condemned. But this isn't true. Though humans may fail me and may withhold forgiveness from me, my God will never do that. He calls me to do what I can in order to make things right, but no matter what, He will still love me. I don't need to go crazy trying to please everyone and make them happy with me - because the fact is, if I do everything that I need to do and they still won't forgive me, the responsibility for the situation no longer lies with me.

Too bad it's so stinking hard to remember that... But I DO need to remember Romans 12:18 which says, "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." If I have done everything I can in order to live peaceably with others, then that's all that I have to do. I can also take great comfort in knowing that even if I'm not forgiven by people or by my fellow believers, I have been forgiven by my God:

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." (Romans 5:1-2)

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

Yes, I am a wretched sinner. Yes, I make stupid mistakes all the time and I don't treat people as well as I should. But I do know that I desire to make things right, and even if those things don't occur, I don't need to harbor resentment toward the other person or even believe that I haven't done enough to make the other person happy. Though I have been deeply hurt by these people, I don't need to be resentful or bitter toward them. I can forgive them, because that is exactly what Christ has done for me. They are fellow believers and fellow companions on this journey of life. Even(or maybe especially) if they are not believers, then it becomes that much more important that I forgive them and show them mercy and kindness - because that is what my Savior did for me.

There is such a huge part of me that wants to just do the same thing that those people did to me and refuse forgiveness. However, I know that this is the opposite of showing Christ's love to them. As much as my fleshly nature wants to harbor judgment and resentment toward them, I know that I need to forgive them and love them unconditionally. No, it's honestly not easy, and I'm probably going to really suck at it. But it's what God has called me to do, and maybe... just maybe... one day I will be able to move on from this and the pain will begin to decrease.

I know that this is a lesson that God will use to work in me for the rest of my life, and I know that I'm going to mess up so many times that I may not even be able to count them. But the beauty of it is... I am still forgiven. And thus, I must forgive others. No matter what.

Apartment and Life Together.

2011-07-20T06:10:00.007-05:00

Well, I'm a day late in updating about our apartment, but I hope my readers will forgive me for that (all 2 of you) :).

So, right now we're living in one of the suburbs of Minneapolis, and we are just loving it. We are 20 minutes from downtown, 15 minutes away from the Mall of America, and what makes it all amazing is that it doesn't FEEL like we're close to a city! Living in Chicago, you would have to travel really far in order to feel like you're actually in nature and not part of the city. But here... well, here it's just awesome. There are parks and lakes everywhere (no, really. It's not called the land of a thousand lakes for nothing!), and just 15 minutes away there is a HUGE park where the river flows and there is an AMAZING waterfall! Eric took me there for our date a couple weeks ago, and it was so awesome. I kept telling him that I couldn't believe we lived so close to something so beautiful, because in CO you have to travel to the mountains in order to see something as cool as that.

As far as our apartment goes, I love that too. :) It's so cozy and nice, and I'm really excited to finish decorating it. We're almost there, which is really nice. We just need to pick up a few things and then put pictures on the walls. Our guest room isn't going to be ready anytime soon, but that'll definitely be a longer project that we do together at some point when we're not busy (which won't be happening anytime in the near future). Here are some pictures of our apartment for you guys. :)

Isn't it so cute? :) And I'm SO glad that we had an accent wall painted before we moved in. It makes things feel even nicer and homey. They did that for free too, which was really cool. We can have accent walls painted for a low cost in any of our rooms as well, so we might do that at some point to our bedroom and guest room. We have a BEAUTIFUL view out our porch as well, if you couldn't tell. There are also walking trails around the property, which is really cool considering we're literally right on the highway. I can hear the highway all the time, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. It makes me feel like I'm in Chicago again, and I'm okay with that. After living there for so long I really got used to hearing noises all the time, so it's really strange (and eerie) for me when I don't hear anything at all. Plus, it's incredibly convenient to live right on the highway as well - it makes it SO much easier to get to everything! I'm really enjoying our location. It has been really nice so far. We have a grocery store that is, at the most, 3 minutes away from us, and the place where I get my hair cut is the same distance as well. We have a gas station with reasonable gas prices (2 stations, actually) right on our block, and we have multiple restaurants right by us.

So... on to what our life actually looks like together. It's definitely busy and we're running around all the time, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. Marriage just fits us. We had such a difficult time with our long-distance relationship, and now that we're married.... it just works. It's like we were supposed to get married or something. ;) But really... it's great. We're really enjoying being together. Eric works a lot which is sometimes frustrating, but definitely understandable. And with all our bills and payments that we have to make, it's a good thing that he's working as much as he is - we need the money! (Doesn't everybody?)

I also got a full-time job, which I am INCREDIBLY grateful for! I am a barista at Caribou Coffee, and I couldn't be happier. I've always wanted to work at a coffee shop, and I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to do so. It has definitely been a challenge to get used to it and learn everything that I need to, but I'm hoping that soon I'll get the hang of it and things will just come naturally. I know what some of you may be thinking: But what are your plans for a long-term career?

...Honestly... I don't really have any. And I'm okay with that. I was just recently asked by someone at church when I told them where I was working what my long-term goals were (really nice guy, but definitely a business man) and I felt bad at first for being so excited to work at Caribou. However, once I started thinking about it, I realized that it doesn't really matter what I'm doing. I'm loving what I do, and that's what matters. I make decent money, I get awesome benefits, and Caribou is an amazing company to work for. I couldn't be happier. And who knows... maybe one day I'll be able to work for corporate! Now THAT would be really cool. :)

So, I DO have daydreams about things that I could do one day, but it's really all in God's hands. I am completely content with where He has placed me right now (which actually took a while, so I'm thrilled that I'm at that place now), and I'm looking forward to seeing what He has in store for me here. God is good, and I know that His plans are better than any that I could have for myself. So... because this opportunity for Caribou opened so easily, I walked through it without any reservations or regrets, because I know without a doubt that it came from Him.

Well, this ended up being a really long post. I'm sure I'll update you all again in the very near future on our life and what's going on. Love you!

Finally, An Update.

2011-07-18T06:57:00.007-05:00

Well, after being SO excited to get married and updating everyone on it... I failed at updating AFTER we got married. I can't believe it's been so long since I've been on here! I guess things HAVE been pretty crazy around here - but it's been really good. So... I'll go back to the beginning.

The wedding was AMAZING. The 3 weeks after graduation leading up to the wedding were absolutely insane, but it was so worth it in the end. The wedding was completely perfect - it was everything that I had hoped it would be, and I wouldn't have changed one single thing. I couldn't believe it turned out as well as it did, but the people at the Chateaux were amazing. I couldn't have asked for a better team to work with. I would definitely recommend anyone getting married in CO to get married there! It's a beautiful location, and the people who work there are just so nice and accommodating. Here are a couple pictures for you guys. :)

Okay - so first of all, I realize that was more than a couple pictures but... I couldn't help myself. ALL the pictures were amazing! Our photographer did a phenomenal job. Secondly, I know they're not in order - I wanted them to be in a specific order, but they didn't cooperate with me when I uploaded them, and I'm SO not in the mood to either re-upload them or mess with the html code. So.... oh well. :)

But that's just a taste of our wedding! It was just so beautiful and wonderful, and again, I couldn't have asked for anything better. My whole family and my friends were absolutely amazing, too! My Mom helped with SO much of the planning and really helped me pull everything together, and I had the world's best matron of honor! I feel so blessed that everything went so well.

Hm... I think I'll leave the update there for now. I'll update tomorrow most likely on married life and our apartment. :) I'd rather not overwhelm/bore everyone with SO many details in one blog post. :)

Love you all! <3

It's Almost Here!

2011-05-27T08:50:00.003-05:00

14 days to go til the wedding, and I'm soooo anxious for it to get here (good anxious, that is). I met with my dear friend Amy last night, and I told her how I'm just ready for the wedding to be over with. Not that I'm not excited for it (which I completely am), but I'm just ready to start my life with Eric and be done with long-distance forever.

Last Saturday we said our last goodbye, and even though I would normally cry over us being separated for 2 1/2 weeks, neither of us cried when I went through airport security because we were so happy that it was the last time he would be taking me to the airport without coming with me. It was such a good feeling, and I'm so looking forward to saying hello to him on June 6th and knowing that it's permanent. From that point on, being together will be normal, and being apart will be abnormal, instead of the other way around, which it is right now.

Even though it's incredibly daunting, I'm SO excited to start living life with Eric. I know that it's going to be in a new state for me, I don't really have friends yet and I don't know the people he knows nearly as well as he does, but all that really matters is that we'll be together and we'll be trusting God together. I'm so thrilled that God is allowing this to happen, and can't wait for everything to finally start.

14 days until the wedding day, and I'm SO thrilled. Things are definitely getting done and plans are coming together. Thankfully next week I have a bunch of things to do, so the week should go fairly quickly and then before you know it, Eric will be with me and we'll be finishing plans together! What a blessing....

Thank you ALL for your prayers and support for Eric and me. We've been so confident going into this marriage because we have had nothing but positive feedback from all of our trusted friends and family. We know that this is exactly where God is leading us, and while it's a little scary to think about living with one person for the rest of our lives, we're really excited about it. :) We know that there will definitely be ups and downs, but we know that God is good and He will get us through it.

I will definitely be updating more as the wedding gets closer and we do more things to get ready, but don't look for an update or pictures from the wedding until after the honeymoon, because I will be in Florida and DisneyWorld with my husband, livin' it up and not worrying about anything else! :)

Love you all! <3

Confessions of a Broken Girl.

2011-05-10T07:15:00.003-05:00

You know, I used to always think that God wanted me to be perfect. That He would praise me for the mistakes I didn't make, and the less I made, the happier he'd be with me and the more He'd love me. I used to think that since I didn't drink, do drugs, or have sex, that somehow I was in better standing with God than all those "other" people.

...And then I made my own mistakes. Big mistakes. Mistakes that I will have to live with my entire life. And my confidence in my standing with God plummeted. I even had times of wondering if I was even a Christian, and if I was going to heaven. I had no assurance, simply because I had fallen down. I had even been taught lessons that we need to question our salvation if we fall into sin.

Ever since then, though I know the truth that God loves me and accepts me even when I fall into sin, I find it hard to believe that. I find myself questioning Him and myself and His acceptance of me.

During my time at Moody, I have made mistakes. I have fallen. I have done things that I shouldn't, and I have treated people in ways that I know are wrong. And every single time I have completely beaten myself up for it, and felt as though maybe I'm not a Christian because I made a mistake. That God doesn't accept me because I made a mistake. That God is happier with "those" people who are holier than me and would never treat another person the way I did. But this isn't the case. God loves me and accepts me, and loves me just the same as He does any of His other children.

Praise God for His unconditional love!

When I fall down, He doesn't just look down on me from far away pointing and saying, "You are a failure." No... He comes down, scoops me up in His arms, and tells me that He loves me no matter what I do, and that He just wants me to come running back to Him.

There's a Phil Wickham song that has the line:

"You will be safe in His arms

You will be safe in His arms

When everything is falling apart

You will be safe in His arms"

Beautiful words, beautiful truth, beautiful God.

I also love the "Footprints in the Sand" poem. It is so true, and it is something that I need to be reminded daily of. I am not strong enough to handle this life on my own. I am not strong enough not to make mistakes and not to fall flat on my face. But my God is strong enough to carry me through those times, and bring me out on the other side.

Praise Him, Praise Him, Praise Him.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

- Mary Stevenson, 1936

2 Weeks and Counting.

2011-04-29T16:56:00.004-05:00

Oh, how I wish that 2 weeks was the number of weeks until my wedding. But... it's not. However, it IS the number of weeks until I graduate from Moody! Wow... I can't believe that. I'm almost a college graduate. How did that happen? Freshman year in Spokane feels like it was just yesterday, and here I am, four years later, 21 and engaged, about to graduate. Where did the time go? What have I learned since being here at Moody?

I don't think that's an easy question to answer. And I don't even know if I can answer it right now. It's going to take time. It's going to take processing through things and the situations that I've encountered. What I do know is how I've royally screwed up in these last four years. How I have made so many blunders and mistakes it's hard to count them all. But I have also seen the hand and grace of God in my life through all of it. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, He will always accept me back with loving arms and will not condemn me for my imperfections. What do I even say to that? How do I begin to thank Him for all He has done for me?

The cool thing about God is... I don't have to. It's not a requirement. God isn't going to tell me that I mean anything less to Him or that I'm not doing enough to thank Him for everything He's given me. It's not about that. It's about His pure grace toward me, and because of His love, I am compelled to live my life in such a way that glorifies and magnifies His name, and His name alone.

I don't know exactly what lies ahead for me. I know I'm getting married and moving to Minnesota with my hubby, but that's about it. I could freak out about it, and I definitely have in the past. But the beauty of it all is that God has never failed to provide for my needs. Even when I don't feel like He's providing enough... He is. And abundantly so. Though it will be very easy in the future to worry about finances, friends, and everything else in life, I know that I can trust my God in any and all circumstances, that He knows what He's doing, and He has my best interests at heart.

I love my Lord. And I want to spend my whole life serving Him because He has been so good to me.

Come, Lord Jesus.

2011-04-05T15:20:00.002-05:00

All who are thirsty

All who are weak

Come to the fountain

Dip your heart in the stream of life

Let the pain and the sorrow

Be washed away

In the waves of His mercy

As deep cries out to deep

Come, Lord Jesus... Come

It's a Balance Act.

2011-03-28T21:54:00.003-05:00

Question of the day:

When expressing opinions, how far is too far? Is there a standard that everyone should follow, or is that another opinion that everyone differs on?

This really is a difficult question for me to answer - especially when I have strong opinions and I want to express them. How far is too far, and how much is too much? I do believe in people being able to freely express their opinions as long as they are not attacking the other person - even if it still offends the other person, but where exactly is the line?

I definitely have strong opinions on certain subjects, and one came out very strongly today. But really... where is the line between asserting opinions appropriately, and when does it become inappropriate?

Ugh. So many question... So few answers.

PS - When I get a little less emotional about the topic, there WILL be a post about my opinion on Glee.

Scared of Transitions.

2011-03-05T14:13:00.004-06:00

As March is already here and I have only 2 months until I graduate, I'm beginning to really think about my time here in Chicago and the very little amount of time that I have before the biggest transition in my life. I know that I said I wouldn't post blogs about myself, but this is something that is a pretty big deal.

I am truly scared of my next transition.

Now, don't get me wrong - I am SO excited to marry Eric, and I'm not nervous about that transition at all. I'm just really afraid to leave all my friends here, my comfortable atmosphere, and move somewhere where I really don't have many friends at all. School is a completely different atmosphere than real life. It's SO easy to make friends at school because you're around the same people all the time, but in real life, it takes so much more intention.

I'm nervous about that. I really am. For the first time in my life I'm not going to be completely surrounded by Christians all the time, and I may even be one of the few Christians in my environment. I have no idea where I'm going to work, but I'm guessing that wherever it is, it will be a non-Christian environment.

What will I do? How will I respond in a situation like that? - I have no idea what it's going to look like. I know that I've always been able to make friends pretty easily, but this is going to be completely different than anything I've ever known. Will I actually be able to make friends outside of the school situation? Will I find anyone at work that I have common interests with? What if I don't? What if I don't make any friends?

It's really hard to know what my life is going to look like once I graduate and get married. i'm excited to start something new and to live in an apartment with Eric, but what will MY life look like? Where will I work? What will be my ministry? Who will I become close to? What kind of people are going to come into my life?

I can't answer those questions right now, and I hate that. I want to know what's going to happen after I graduate, but I don't. I know that God has His purposes and His timing and He's going to work everything out, but this is definitely a time when I wish I had omniscience when it pertains to my life... *sigh* I guess I'll just have to stick with being a human being.

I hope these worries subside. Unfortunately, I think the closer I get to graduation, the more they're going to grow and the less I'm going to want to leave the school because I don't want to leave all of the wonderful people in my life. Heather, Annie, Tiffany, Rachel, Judy.... and the list goes on. This is no fun at all. Graduating is great, but it also really, really sucks... :(

Until next time. I've got too many thoughts to get them all written down now...

Facebook Responsibly.

2011-02-07T08:03:00.005-06:00

There are some things in our lives that could be deemed as "necessary evils." These are not the evils that are, in fact, actually evil. The real kinds of evils in the world today are unnecessary and should be stopped (i.e. murders, adultery, etc. etc.). However, there are some things in this world that may just be bothersome or frustrating, but they are a necessary evil because, well, maybe we just need to put up with them. For example, to some people, Obama is a necessary evil (well, to others he's unnecessary, but I won't address that one. Can of worms...). For some, cell phones and texting are a necessary evil. They don't like texting, but it seems to be the form of communication that many people like to use, so they do it anyway (Or, they try to run away from it, only to find out that they're giving in later on).

Here's another thing that might just be one of those necessary evils: Facebook. Yes, I said it. We've all had our moments where we are so frustrated and angry with Facebook and things that have happened on it that have caused us to write statuses like, "Facebook is so stupid. I'm considering deleting mine," or "I want to have friends in real life, not on the internet." (PS - I'm including myself in this one.) However, as much as I would very often like to say that I'm deleting my Facebook and never looking back, I'm not exactly sure how possible that is anymore.

Props to Mark Zuckerburg on that one.

(whose movie, by the way, I've heard is actually pretty good).

I know that so many of us wish that we could delete our Facebooks and never have to deal with them again. It feels silly to be upset if someone didn't accept our friend request, didn't respond to our wall post or our message, or even, *gasp* deleted us! Trust me when I say that I have been upset about all of these things and more, which is why I feel okay saying it.

However... Our culture is going more and more in the direction of social networking, and there doesn't seem to be a whole lot we can do to change that. I know that I have temporarily deleted my account a few times because I'm so tired of dealing with Facebook, but I always end up going back to it. And the key word in the previous sentence is temporarily. We all know that we do it. We temporarily delete our accounts because we know that it would take way too much work to create our "unique" profile and build up our friends list all over again. In the back of our minds, we know that we're going to come back to Facebook - but in that moment, we're too stubborn to admit it.

What would happen if instead of fighting the phenomenon of Facebook and social media, we instead embraced it with discernment? What would that look like? Well, for starters, maybe we shouldn't add everyone that we've ever known in our entire lives to our friends list. Maybe we shouldn't add Joe, who's friends with our best friend's sister and met us at that party that one time.

Maybe we should learn to let go when friendships seem to die. I just recently had that happen, where I was holding on to a friendship that wasn't actually there. I talked with Eric about it because I was having a slight altercation with this person, and Eric asked me a simple question: "When was the last time you had a conversation with this person?" To be honest, it's been almost a year since I've talked with this person in real life. THAT, I would say, is the definition of a Facebook friend that might just need to be deleted. Not from any bad or angry feelings, but simply because there's not actually a friendship there anymore.

What if we used Facebook as an encouragement tool, rather than trying to see how many friends we can get, who we can spy on, or how many pictures we can be tagged in? What if Facebook became not about us, but instead about the other people in our lives?

---Let me make myself clear right now. I am not excluding myself from any of this. The only reason I feel as though I can say these things is because I have done each and every one of the things I've talked about here, and much more. This is not an easy blog for me to write, because I know that it would take a dramatic change on my part as well. ----

As Christians, we are called to be "in the world, but not of it." Could that mean that it's okay to use Facebook, but be different in how we use it? I know a girl where the majority of her purpose in using Facebook is just to encourage other people, and she does this in abundance. What if we did that? What would happen if we took the focus off of ourselves and used Facebook to help others? I think we would find that Facebook is then not only a necessary evil, but also a helpful tool in developing relationships and building one another up.

As many alcohol commercials use the phrase, "Drink Responsibly," I am going to take the same connotation from that and say:

Please, Facebook Responsibly.

The Suffering of God.

2011-02-01T17:00:00.004-06:00

On this cold, dreary, and snowy afternoon, I thought it might be beneficial to curl up with my computer and blanket, and crank out a nice blog.

In Biblical Theology of Suffering on Monday, we discussed the debate of whether God suffers or not. This went along with the book we have been reading, Where is the God of Justice?. This is a simple, yet very enlightening book that discusses so many aspects of suffering, including the idea of whether or not God suffer. Dr. Andrew Schmutzer was the professor who taught this lesson, and it was so interesting.

In our book, the author, Warren McWilliams, discusses the debate between whether or not God suffers with His creation. He declares that God is a suffering God, and that it is only because He suffers with us that He can actually help us. He inserted a quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer, which said,

God lets himself be pushed out of the world on the cross. He is weak and powerless in the world, and that is precisely the way, the only way in which he is with us and helps us. ...The Bible directs us to God's powerlessness and suffering; only the suffering God can help.

The fact of God suffering does not mean that He is in any way weak or unable to cope with things. Dr. Schmutzer put it very well when he said in class that unlike human beings, God's suffering does not make Him undone. Instead, it spurs Him into action and He is able to work in the situation. He does not allow Himself to be struck down by suffering, but rather He uses it in order to help and understand His people.

So what does this mean for us? If God really suffers, how does that affect our relationship with Him? In Dr. Schmutzer's view, there are 5 implications for the Christian and either our lives or our perspectives of God:

"If God is truly involved in the lives of people, if he actually enters into and acts within time and history, and most of all, if he does so as the God of love, then such a God must, by necessity, experience suffering." - Thomas G. Weinandy, Does God Suffer?
God's suffering can be expressed more as empathetic participation than mere sympathetic identification.
God's love is not reckless or need-based, shot through with self-seeking and anxiety - God's emotion does not incapacitate him. While God does not suffer against his will, he does voluntarily expose himself to suffering.
The theology of creation affirms that God remains in and with the contingent, the other-than-God - the world in its nature as world, and humankind in its autonomous but finite creaturliness.
For people who have faced comprehensive traumas such as: starvation, domestic violence, rape, sexual abuse, and torture, there is a very practical aspect of clinging to a God who suffers-with.

This is huge. In the midst of intense suffering, we can be sure that God suffers with us, and not only sympathizes with our condition, but He knows exactly what is going on, and feels the pain just as we do. While He is not incapacitated, He still feels our emotions and is filled deeply with compassion for us, and this spurs Him on to help us.

Praise Him that we have a God who loves us enough to do that! Who are we, the sinful race that we are, to deserve something so great as that! His love overflows and abounds for us, even though we are wicked and depraved, deserving nothing.

Praise Him all creatures here below.

Me, Me, Me: A New Vision.

2011-01-31T23:21:00.004-06:00

The more I look at other people's lives and how they spend their time, the more I'm beginning to realize just how narcissistic I am, and I don't like it. I'm so selfish so much of the time, wanting exactly what I want when I want it, and not accepting anything else. Who have I become? Do I really need to have my way all the time? Am I not willing to compromise what I want just a little for the sake and benefit of those around me?

As I've looked back on my posts, I've realized how much the majority of them are about me, or about the things/people in my life. I think I want to start a new trend with my blog. I would love to start contemplating things that I'm learning in my life that are more general. For example, there are SO many things that I could talk about from my Biblical Theology of Suffering class (don't worry, classmates... no specifics will be used, just general information and inquiries about the subjects. I won't be breaking any rules). I'm also learning SO much in my Monster Literature class, and I'm sure by the middle of the semester I'll have so much to talk about. There's also chapel, church, and other people's lives to talk about.

I really want to make it my goal not to talk about myself in this blog. I really want to do what my title suggests: quietly muse on the things of life. I want to write prayers in this blog, put song lyrics up, Scripture, etc. I don't want to make it about me anymore.

And this is a challenge to all of you who are regular readers: If I start to make my blog more about me and I begin sounding narcissistic, please confront me on this. I don't want to be like that, but sometimes I'm blind to it.

So here's to a fresh start, and a new outlook on my blog and hopefully in life. Maybe being less self-focused here will help me be less self-focused.. *points*... out there.

Prayer for the Unbeliever.

2011-01-22T08:49:00.003-06:00

My heart is heavy this morning. For the past 7 years I have been praying for someone in my life, that God would give him a startling encounter with Him, and that he would pass from darkness to light. My friendship with this person has ebbed and flowed over the years - in high school there were times when we were best friends, but then others when he would not want to speak to me. Through being in college, we were such good friends that I almost flew to Arizona (where he is attending college) to visit him. But now... we no longer talk. It breaks my heart to know that I have no idea where he is or what he is doing, but I do know that I still love him, and I still want to pray for him.

This man, Scott (his name has been changed), lives in the darkness. The scary part is however, that he does not know that he lives in the darkness. He truly believes he lives in the light, even though he lives the homosexual lifestyle, his life is his money, and he smokes, parties, and gets drunk every weekend. Because we no longer talk anymore, all I can do is pray for him.

Do you know how hard that is? Not knowing if my prayers are being answered, not knowing if they are making any difference at all... It's definitely a struggle for me. Sometimes I have trouble knowing that God is faithful and He will answer my prayers according to His will. All I want is for Scott to come to know the Lord. Unlike a lot of Christians, my first prayer is not that he will stop living the homosexual lifestyle. If he does not know the Lord, then praying that he will change his behavior will do no good. I must pray that God reveals Himself to him, and that he will come into a saving relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.

Do I sometimes wish things were different and that I could be the one to influence his life for Christ and help him along the path to salvation? Absolutely. But as it is, God has placed me in this situation for a reason, and though I do not understand, I must be faithful and pray for Scott from a distance.

I love him. He has always been dear to me, and no matter what he says, no matter what he does, that's not going to change. I know that it's not by my own will that I love him, so please don't think that I am bragging or making myself seem high and mighty. Scott has treated me very, very poorly in the past, and I know that there have been times when I have not wanted anything to do with him, and when I have even thought that he deserves whatever he gets.

But then I realized that this is not right thinking. I am called to remember that he is a lost sheep, and God wants to bring him to Himself. I have been praying for him for so long, that it feels like nothing is ever going to change. But I know that God is faithful, and I believe that He has promised to change Scott's heart. I am going to hold on to that promise with everything that I have. Seeing Scott cross the line of salvation and fall in love with Jesus Christ would be the greatest gift I could ever receive.

Oh God, reveal yourself to him. Give him such a startling encounter with You that he cannot help but know that it is you. Do whatever You need to in order to bring him to Yourself. I call upon You, Lord. Be with him. Draw near to him, and allow him to draw near to You. I know that You are faithful, Lord. I know that You can do what You have promised, and I want to call upon that promise right now. Give him the eyes he needs in order to see You, Lord. Give him the ears to hear Your word in a new and fresh way, and give him the courage to come to faith in You and to turn his life around. In Your name, Amen.

My First Love.

2011-01-11T08:13:00.006-06:00

Upon hearing that title, you'd probably think that I would be devoting this post to Eric. However, that's not true. As much as I love Eric and am thrilled to be spending the rest of my life with him, he is not my first love. I so often forget that, and I wish I wouldn't. My first love is my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Without Him, I am nothing.

So often I get caught up in my day-to-day life, and I just forget about my Love. I forget to talk to Him, forget to read His Word, forget to thank Him for the grace He's given me in my life. It's so true when the Bible says if we draw near to God, then He will draw near to us. If I'm being honest, I would say that in recent weeks, it has been rare for me to meet with my Lord one-on-one and really devote a good amount of time with Him. Because of that, I have seen myself growing dry and hungry. My spiritual food and drink wasn't there. In the past couple of days though, I have tried to go back into the routine of meeting with Him, and I can't even explain to you the difference that I have seen in my life. While it sucks to see sin in my life revealed to me, the fullness of meeting with my Savior is incomparable.

He is my Love. He is the One who rescued me from the pit and loved me enough to call me His child. There is no way that I could ever deserve this love, grace, and mercy that He has given to me. Who am I, that He should be mindful of me? I am but a speck of dust, here today and gone tomorrow. In the grand scheme of things in this world, I am nothing. The world definitely doesn't revolve around me, and really doesn't care that I'm here. (For explanation, I know that I have people in my life who care about me. I'm referring to the world in general). But yet here is my Lord, who came down from heaven as a man, died, and was resurrected for the sins of the whole world. And even if it was only for me, if I was the only sinner on earth, He would have still come down. That just boggles my mind, and I don't deserve it at all. Yet through my constant turning from Him, He is still there, and still ready and willing to welcome me back with open arms. I will never do too much against Him that He will stop loving me. His love is unconditional, which also makes it unfathomable. I am saved, and not because of my own doing, but simply because... He Loves Me.

Great is the Lord, and worthy of glory

Great is the Lord, and worthy of praise

Great is the Lord, now lift up your voice

Now lift up your voice

Great is the Lord

Goodbye, 2010. Helloo, 2011.

2010-12-31T10:44:00.007-06:00

So, it's New Year's Eve. 2010 went so quickly, that's for sure. It's definitely been an interesting and eventful year. I began the year meeting a wonderful friend who introduced me to the man who is now the love of my life. I finished out my Junior year of college and went to DisneyWorld, did my internship in Minnesota, started my Senior year, got engaged, became an aunt, got sick and haven't been able to finish my first semester, and now here we are. I've done well in classes, done poor in classes, done some things right and some things very wrong.

I think this has been a year where I have made, or at least noticed that I've made, some of the biggest mistakes of my life. I have been mean and rude to people, I have said and done things that I shouldn't have, and through it all.... God has been good. He is incredibly good to me, and I have been blessed beyond measure. This past semester especially, I have realized what amazing people God has placed in my life. No matter what happens, no matter what stupid things I do, no matter how sick I get, I know that God is looking out for me, and He has the best plans for my life. He is so good and merciful to me through all of the situations that I absolutely mess up all the time.

I'm ending this year with some regrets, but ultimately knowing that even though I am messed up beyond measure, God has saved me and He is sanctifying me, no matter how long it's taking and how little of steps I have to take.

And now... I look forward. 2011 is coming, and it is a year that I have been waiting for for a long time. It's the year that I graduate college, and more importantly, it's the year that I get married. I am so ready to be out of school, and I am so absolutely in love with Eric Pegors, and I am so excited to becoming Bethany Pegors. :) Bethany Pegors.... I like that. It has a nice ring to it. I'm so excited to be a wife and to live in Minnesota with my husband with our own place.

I'm looking forward to learning what God has to teach me about Himself in the coming year. I'm sure it's going to be a challenging year, especially next semester -- taking 18 credits when I'm just ready to be done, working, and planning my wedding at the same time. I've never been a person to shy away from what's difficult though, so I will face this year head-on, knowing that I have a God who loves me unconditionally, will never leave me, and is incredibly merciful toward me, and a wonderful fiancé -- soon to be husband -- who will be with me no matter what, through thick and thin, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health.

I thank God already for 2011, and for the blessings that I already know He's given and is going to give to me. And no matter what happens, He is in control, and He knows what He's doing.

As far as New Year's resolutions go, I don't think I'm going to make any. I have plenty enough that I have to do for the wedding: guest list, save-the-dates, invitations, cake flavors, flowers, music, lose weight, etc. etc. If I tried to do anything else, I think I'd go crazy. I'll have plenty of new experiences to keep me occupied this whole year, so I think I'm going to just be satisfied with that.

So, 2011, I welcome you with open arms. Let's make this year a fun one. :)

Health Again and Reflections.

2010-12-13T08:53:00.001-06:00

Well, I'm starting to feel better. Praise God. I had some pain last night, but not nearly as much as the other night, and 3 Tylenol definitely did the trick and I slept all night. I hope this is the beginning of getting healthy again. This past week with all of this going on has been horrible.

For all of you who don't know, I went to the emergency room yesterday. Multiple people told me that I should go, so even though I didn't want to, I decided it would probably be safer to go. Unfortunately however, the labs came back inconclusive. *sigh* That's really frustrating to me. One of the doctors (an intern) just wrote me off and didn't see it as a big deal at all. He was a really strange doctor, too. I think at the very beginning he was trying to flirt with me, but then I think he saw my engagement ring (thank you, Eric. Among other things -obviously-, I love the fact that you save me from creepy guys). Then he became serious and explained things well to me, but then at the end he acted as if I was overreacting and nothing was really wrong with me. Oh well, I guess. One positive thing is that he did say that the place where I have my main pain is not a "dangerous" place medically. A lot of people have pain there, and it ends up going away through Tylenol and other things. He did say that it could very well be a small ulcer, so he suggested I continue taking Zantac, Tylenol, and then add Maalox (yuck). So, nothing has been discovered about what's wrong with me, but at least I'm feeling better. Let's just pray that it continues.

Now on to my reflections. As the semester has pretty much ended for me (I'm getting extensions on all my finals and assignments), I've been looking back at what an eventful semester this has been. Eric and I have been engaged for over 2 months already. At first it seemed like it would take forever for the end of the semester to get here, but now that I look back, it really flew by. I hoping I feel the same way about second semester, so then he and I can finally be married. I say "finally" facetiously and seriously because even though we haven't even been together for a year yet, I'm ready to marry my best friend. I don't want to wait anymore. Alas, I guess this is the place we're in, so I need to be somewhat content and deal with it.

One thing I've been realizing through looking back on the semester is this: I am incredibly blessed. And I almost always take it for granted. I have a family who loves me, and now we have a wonderful new addition (my nephew), and my family is going to definitely grow in June when I gain a whole other side to my relatives. I have a man who loves me deeply, and I don't always see that clearly because of my selfishness. He's so good to me, and I'm... well, I'm just me. I don't deserve him, that's for sure. I am blessed beyond anything that I could imagine. I have wonderful friends who love me, and are willing to take care of me when I'm feeling like crap. Annie Bolger has been absolutely amazing to me in the past few days. She drove me to the hospital, stayed with me while I was in the emergency room, and make me cream of wheat after we got back from the hospital.

Yes, I'm very blessed. I don't deserve anything that my wonderful God has given me. He loves me unconditionally, even though I am a wretched sinner, and I do not take nearly enough time to thank Him for that. He is so good to me. I really need to learn how to be more grateful to Him and to others. Instead, I normally just tend to focus on myself.

I'm looking forward to the start of a new year in 3 weeks. It'll be nice to start fresh, and look forward to so many new things in the months ahead. Graduation, getting married, moving to Minnesota, (maybe) getting a house, being a youth pastor's wife, getting a new job, and starting a new life. It's going to be wonderful, and I'm so excited to start it all with my best friend, knowing that our focus is on Christ and on His plan for our lives.

God is good, all the time.

And all the time, God is good.

Health Issues.

2010-12-11T09:16:00.002-06:00

Oh boy. I really hate having UC, and not being the healthiest that I could be. But.... I need to remember that God has a plan and He's in control of everything.

For the past few days, I've been having intense stomach pains, and the first day I was bleeding. I'm really not sure exactly what's going on, but I really appreciate everyone who has been praying, and I want to ask for prayers from everyone else. I think it started as a flare-up of my UC, but now it's something else. Right now I'm thinking that it's actually an ulcer. This, even though it sucks, would actually be welcome as opposed to the alternatives, which could either be that I'm having a really bad flare-up and thus would need to go to the hospital, or I'm lactose intolerant, and it's taking forever to get out of my system. It would make sense for it to be an ulcer as well, because since I have UC I am prone to getting ulcers. I haven't had one in the 14 years I've had this disease, so maybe it's just time that I had one. Buh.... Not fun.

I talked with my doctor, and he just told me to take Zantac until it gets better, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm really praying that this is what it is, and it will get better with just powerful antacids. I really don't want to go to the hospital....

I'm at a point where I'm really trying to see God's purpose in all of this. I hate being sick, and I've been able to live a relatively normal life, but it's times like these when I really feel like I don't know why God put me into this situation. It's been nice however to continue finding out other people who have this disease or know someone else who has it. It really makes me see that I'm not alone in it.

Thanks again for the prayers, everyone. I really appreciate it. Please be praying that I start feeling well enough that I'll be able to do well on my finals this coming week, and that the 8-hour drive to MN won't be torture for me on Wednesday. Thanks, guys.

Auntie Bethany.

2010-12-06T21:02:00.002-06:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am a new aunt. My first nephew was born on December 4th, 2010 at approx. 8:15 in the morning, weighing in at 6 lbs. 8 oz, 20" long. I...am an aunt. :)

And a very proud one, at that. Don't believe me? Just look at the pictures:

Caleb Michael Brunstetter

This baby has the cutest nose I have ever seen. I don't care if he's splotchy because he's a newborn. He's BEAUTIFUL.

He looks so perfect in the arms of his mama. :)

I almost die every time I look at this picture. His expression and his hands are ADORABLE. :)

Grandma gets to hold him. :)

So fetching in his dad's arms.

This picture made me cry the first time I saw it. My dad, now a grandpa.

So again I say, I'm a very proud aunt. I have the cutest nephew that anyone has ever seen, and no one can convince me otherwise. He is absolutely adorable, and a huge blessing to our family. I am so excited to watch him grow up and see how God decides to work in his life. I'm so sad that I'm going to be so far away from him during these years, but that just gives me even more of an opportunity to spoil him when Eric and I visit Colorado.

Little Caleb, welcome to the world. Welcome to our family. We all love you very much, and we are so excited to have you in our lives. We want to take care of you and love you, no matter what. We are your family, and that is what we're here for. May you look to God always in your every pursuit in life, and may God use you in abundant ways for His purposes and for His glory. Love you already, little one. I'm so excited to meet you in just a couple weeks. :)

Drat.

2010-11-17T21:44:00.002-06:00

Well, I have a confession to make. I tried to drink decaf coffee tonight, hoping that it was the caffeine that affected me rather than the coffee itself. Unfortunately, my hopes were in vain. :( I'm still getting shaky, and now I have little chest pains and my stomach is startiong to do funky things.

Oh, the annoyances of having U.C. :( Oh well, I suppose. Such is life. I'm guessing I'm going to be limiting my diet even more in the future, but we'll see what happens. So far it's been pretty good - I've only had to stop having coffee and eating breakfast sausage (random, I know). God has been good with this disease, but we'll see what happens as things continue on.

Anyway, that's all for now.

<3

Coffeeshop Blues.

2010-11-16T15:51:00.001-06:00

So, I haven't talked about this yet to my blogger friends, but.... I can no longer drink coffee.

This is a very sad thing. I've been off of coffee for about 5 days now, and I may lose my mind. Going to Joe's (the campus coffee shop) is just depressing now, because all I really like are steamers, creme frappes, and sweet tea. Without coffee, everything is just too sweet. I want that espresso "edge" back in my drink.

And it's days like this -- cold, cloudy, and dreary -- where I would just love to curl up with a book and a nice, hot vanilla latte and look outside from my warm and comfy spot inside. Alas, I'm now stuck with hot chocolate and tea. Don't get me wrong, both of these can be decadent and flavorful, but it's just not the same as coffee. Too much of a sweet drink just makes my stomach sick (and unfortunately, coffee does the same thing. It just tastes better when I drink it).

That's all I really have.. I'll update on my progress of my coffee detox and the withdrawal period.... I know that I was addicted, but so far it hasn't been too difficult to stay away from it. We'll see how I feel once winter begins to creep closer and closer. It may very well be that coffee begins to be more and more desirable the colder it gets outside. What a lovely struggle THAT will be...

PS - It's highly ironic, but even though I can't drink coffee, I really want to decorate our kitchen with a coffee theme. We'll see how that one goes over.

One more.

2010-11-14T21:59:00.001-06:00

Well, I decided to write again, since I haven't updated everyone on my life for a while now.

Let's see... Where to begin...

Well, Eric and I have been engaged for a month and 5 days now, and it feels so crazy to think about that. :) I'm finally getting used to my ring on my finger, but I am still often very struck by how gorgeous it is and how much it sparkles. :)

While it's amazing that we're getting married and everything, I've also realized just how many misconceptions I had about engagement and about other people during the engagement period. Eric and I still have things to work through in our relationship (and I'm sure we will for the rest of our lives), but things have taken on a different tone now that both of us still have to get used to. I also thought that people would start seeing our relationship as more legitimate than when we were just boyfriend and girlfriend, but for some reason people are still so quick to make assumptions about the "termination" of our relationship. For example, I told a couple people about a really bad day that I had a few weeks ago, and when I told them that it was a really bad day, their first assumption was that either something was wrong with the engagement, or that Eric and I had called it off. I'm not really sure where that came from since I've never even remotely hinted at it, but alas, I guess people still think that we could do that.

In a way, it does make sense. I guess engagements do get called off from time to time, but Eric and I both have the same mindset that no matter what, we are in this for the rest of our lives, and for that I am grateful. The engagement was definitely a bigger decision for me than the wedding. In my opinion, the wedding is more of a formality, because I'm already totally committed to Eric in my heart. The wedding is just going to make that previous commitment official, instead of deciding to make that commitment on that day.

Speaking of the wedding, wedding plans are coming along nicely. We already have a beautiful location, we're working on our wedding website and our registry, we have the bridal party set, and I have my dress chosen! I have to wait until Christmas break to actually buy it, but I know exactly which one I want, and I'm so excited about it. During Christmas we're also going to be working on the save-the-dates and the invitations, so it's definitely going to be a very busy time with my family. I'm excited about it though, because it'll be nice to get those things done before the semester starts so I can be at least a little less stressed about everything.

I'm so excited for the wedding, and so bummed that it's still 209 days away. I'm really excited about getting into the 100s, though. I think that'll make it feel at least a little closer. :)

I guess that's about it for now. School is going well - it's winding down for the semester (or winding up, if you look at the workload) so I have a lot of stress and work with that, but I know God is faithful, and he'll give me the energy and strength to get it done. I really like that about Him.

Oh, and I was talking to Eric tonight, and I realized that I really need to learn how to cook... Anybody want to teach me or can recommend a good cookbook for me to start testing recipes? I think I'm going to have a designated night at least once a week next semester where I try a new recipe. Let me know if any of you have any suggestions. :)

Worship. (Part 1)

2010-11-14T21:25:00.001-06:00

So, for my Senior Seminar class we have to read a Biblical Studies book with 2 other people in a group and present it to the class in a few weeks, and my group chose the book Recalling the Hope of Glory by Alan P. Ross. Oh my goodness, this book is amazing. I've only gotten through part one so far, but I have already been convicted about my definition of the word "worship" and how American worship works and how it often falls short of being biblical. In his book Ross says,

The popularly named renewal movement has been trying to bring life back into worship services. Now more and more frequently congregations are (literally) faced with 'worship teams' - which actually are a number of singers and musicians - who function as leaders for the time of worship (the time of worship refers to the music and praise leading up to the rest of the service). The music is usually contemporary, and he praise brief exclamations. But these times of worship, even though involving the congregation, often follow a set pattern at a particular time in the service with repetitious songs. Thus, in fact, a new form of liturgy has emerged, which may be every bit as predictable and repetitious as prayer book worship. And the brief expressions of thanks between choruses are a far cry from the clear and rich praises and thanksgivings that the devout psalmists offered in the assembly of the righteous. Without solid biblical content in the music, in the readings, and in the sermon, it is no wonder that the church has produced a crop of inarticulate Christians.

I really don't have anything else to add to that. I think that Alan Ross said it all. American Christianity has been so watered down that we don't understand the true richness of worship anymore, and we have skewed the definition to simply mean a time on Sunday mornings when we stand up and sing songs before the sermon. Worship is so much more than that, and I am so excited to find out more. I'll definitely be posting more blogs about this.

Wanting to Matter.

2010-10-19T08:50:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had those days where you've just sat back, and wondered if your life really matters, or if everything you're doing is in vain and will ultimately just be forgotten? I've been thinking about that a lot recently. For the past couple of years, I'm seen myself get caught in this pattern where I feel as though I'm being ministered to more than I am ministering to others. When this happens, I begin to feel like my life doesn't matter, and I'm not doing anything worthwhile.

I then have to stop and catch myself from this line of thinking, because it can be very dangerous. Who am I to say if something I do matters or not? I don't have to be like Mother Theresa, or even like anyone else on the earth.

This truth really sank into me last week during Moody's Mission Conference. The very first speaker did a wonderful job opening up the week by saying that our lives are not about how much we serve the Lord, but rather about our hearts for the Lord and how much we love Him. Let me explain.

In our American culture especially, I really believe that we get so caught up in the "go" aspect of our faith. We feel like we have to constantly be doing things to serve the Lord, and if we're going through a dry spot in our service to Him, then we've backslidden or we're more focused on ourselves and we're not doing enough. We compare ourselves to other people to gauge whether or not we're doing enough to serve Him. But honestly, have we really thought about whether or not that's the right attitude to take toward things?

I have done this more times than I can count. Especially at Moody, it is so easy to get caught up in comparing myself to other people. I know multiple people who are involved in several ministries besides their required PCM (Practical Christian Ministry), and here I am, only involved in my PCM, and that's it. And I hold babies for it. I mean, what kind of ministry is that? I'm not working with the homeless, I'm not teaching English to refugees, I'm not working with inner-city kids. I'm just holding babies at my church for an hour once a week. That can't possibly be enough.

But honestly... It really is. My heart's desire is that I would be more available to be involved in ministry, but sometimes life just doesn't work that way. I have a total of 20 credits that I'm taking this semester (including internship things), I have a job that I work at least 15 hours a week at (or more), I have a long-distance relationship to keep up with, and I now have a wedding to plan. That honestly doesn't leave a lot open for organized ministry, except on Sunday mornings.

God doesn't judge me based on how many hours I take for organized ministry during the week. Too often I make the mistake of thinking that's the case, but it's really not. What matters is my heart. What am I doing to care for it? Am I spending enough quiet time with Him that I'm able to hear His voice in my life, and I'm willing to follow Him? Am I really taking the time for "soul-care"? I think that's a really important question to ask.

Again, it's still not about how much you do. It's not as if God is going to be happier with me if I read the Bible for 20 minutes a day versus 10 minutes, or even if I spend an hour in specific prayer versus 15 minutes. What matters is my focus on Him. Do I keep Him at the forefront of my mind every day and talk to Him more than just when I close my eyes and fold my hands? Do I talk to Him when I'm doing well in a class just as much as when I'm praying for a really difficult exam to go well?

I think it's also the little things that we do in our lives that really matter to God. Organized ministry is not as big of a deal as we've made it out to be. What matters is how we are treating our peers and those who are in our sphere of influence every day. Though I can't be in more organized ministries this year, I've really become intentional in the relationships that I build with people, and I've been doing my best to meet with at least one person per week for coffee (it usually ends up being more, not to say at all that I'm some amazing Christian), and I do my best to encourage those that I bump up against every day.

I used to be a very self-involved person, and I only cared about my problems and how others could help me. But with God's grace, that's beginning to change, and I'm really wanting to learn more about others, their lives, and how God is working through them.

And what's great to know is that, though meeting with one person each week isn't much, I know that it's enough. God doesn't require me to do more for Him. He just requires that I love Him enough to actually do something, and not just do it as an obligation, but rather do it out of the overflow of my love for Him.

I'm definitely not perfect at it, or even great at it, but that's why we serve a gracious and merciful God. :)

So, that's it. I guess my ending question for you all is: What does your heart look like? Are you trying to do more for Christ, or are you trying to love Him more and take care of your soul?

Horrified, Appalled, and Angered.

2010-10-15T14:24:00.002-05:00

Before you read any further - I want to make this truth very clear:

I AM ANGRY.

This isn't an anger that will pass on in a couple days and I will realize that it's stupid - this is an anger against those who take away the grace and mercy of the Gospel, and reshape it into something gruesome and terrible.

And again, before you read, I'd like you to watch this video. It is of Matt Chandler, speaking against a heresy that I unfortunately had to encounter his morning.

Matt Chandler accurately describes the emotions that I am experiencing right now. This morning, right here at the Moody Bible Institute during Missions Conference Week, I encountered this same rose illustration, even though it was used a bit differently.

The speaker (who shall remain nameless) had a bouquet of very expensive red roses. He took three out of the bunch and passed them around the room, telling everyone to take a petal until all the petals were gone. When there were still some left, he told the men to take one more.

He then walked up to the front of the room with the petal-less roses, and grabbed three other roses from the bunch and put them together. He then proceeded to walk up to a girl, and asked her which rose she wanted. She chose a big rose full of petals, and then he continued on to the next girl. She chose another one, and then another chose another rose, until he was left with only the roses that didn't have any petals. He turned to the room and said, "This is my point. We all gravitate toward things that are pure are whole and holy. We don't want something that isn't pure. We don't want a rose that has been picked on."

After already knowing the anger that Matt Chandler had felt about a rose illustration, I was hoping and praying to God that this wasn't what he was doing, but rather he would say that we need to help those roses that are broken and falling apart.

I was sorely disappointed.

He then continued to explain and asked the question, "Don't you want to be a whole rose for your spouse? Don't you want to be proud of your relationship if it ends and say to that person's future spouse that you didn't 'pick on' that person?"

And then, when I thought it couldn't get any worse, he said those words that still make me shudder.

"Nobody wants a rose that's been picked on."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I will fully echo Matt Chandler's sentiments and say, "JESUS WANTS THE ROSE! THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THE GOSPEL!!"

Just because we may have made mistakes with our sexuality in the past, or may have been sexually abused, that does NOT make us any less valuable or "damaged goods." God does not discriminate against those who have sinned in these areas - why should we?! What right do we have to love these people any less because of what they've done than Jesus does? If Jesus, a perfect, sinless being can love these people even though they've sinned, what right do we, equal sinners with these people at the foot of the cross, have to judge and condemn them?

I have a past.

I have made mistakes.

Are you telling me that I'm not good enough and I am unlovable because of that? Maybe I should be, but are you telling me that you're better than me and you're more worthy of others' and Christ's love than I am because you haven't done those things?

WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE AWAY THE GRACE AND MERCY OF THE GOSPEL?

I will end with the main verse that Matt Chandler uses in his video:

Romans 5:8

...but God shows His love for us in that while we were STILL SINNERS, CHRIST DIED FOR US.

PRAISE GOD.

This is Bliss.

2010-10-13T22:33:00.001-05:00

On June 11th, 2011....

I will marry my best friend.

To have and to hold....

From this day forward....

'Til death do us part.

To the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen. - Jude 25

ENGAGED!

2010-10-10T18:31:00.001-05:00

So, apparently many people want to hear the story of how Eric and I got engaged yesterday, on October 9th. :) Well, here you go. :)

So, through a series of unfortunate events, I basically knew that Eric was going to propose sometime this weekend, but that was all I knew. I had no idea as to when he was going to show up and what was going to happen. It's a lot harder to figure that out since we're a long-distance couple. ANYWAY. So here's what happened.

My friend Heather (who I lived with this summer and who is also good friends with Eric) asked me out to breakfast a few days ago, and she wanted to go out to eat on Saturday morning. We had to make it a really early breakfast because I was supposed to work 10-noon that morning, which ended up being perfect timing. Heather met me at my apartment a few minutes after eight, and unbeknownst (sp?) to me, she had JUST finished meeting with Eric to get instructions on what she was supposed to do. I had a small inkling that maybe it was a set-up because one of my roommates had asked if it could be, but I quickly pushed that aside and just decided to spend time with Heather and enjoy it instead of worrying about engagement things.

We went to a breakfast place really close to campus, and we had a really great time just catching up on life and having fun, and then when breakfast was nearing its end, I asked her what her plans for the day were. She said she had some homework to do, and then she said, "Oh, and I'm supposed to give you this." She pulled out a manila envelope from her purse, and I shrieked as I realized that it was from Eric, and I was about to get myself ENGAGED! I opened the envelope, and here's what it said:

Attached to the letter was $30 to pay for breakfast, and he secretly had someone take my work hours for me! I was so incredibly joyful at this point, and I didn't know what to do with myself. Thankfully, part of Eric's instructions to Heather were that she needed to stay with me up until a certain point during the scavenger hunt, and then she could leave. He wanted me to have someone to enjoy the time with and freak out with, which I was VERY grateful for, because that's exactly what I needed!

When I got to my apartment, I found a rose and another envelope on the table, and after I had changed, I read the riddle inside which was in the form of a poem, and it led me to the campus post office. I walked down there with Heather, only to find another rose and envelope taped above my mailbox. When I opened that one, the riddle led me to the place on campus where Eric first told me he loved me, the next one led me to my car in the parking garage, when finally that one led me to the beach, where Eric had asked me to be his girlfriend.

Heather and I had to walk quite a ways to get to the point where Eric wanted us to be, but when we got there, we couldn't find anything. We searched as much as we could, when I finally saw a lone rose out in the sand in the distance. I pointed it out to Heather, and when I did, she quickly said, "Alright, gotta go! See ya later!" And she promptly walked off. My heart began racing at this point when I realized that this was the moment that I had been waiting for. I walked over to the rose and picked it up, but I was completely clueless as to what I should do next. I looked back at Heather and she was just shooing me away, and when I looked forward again, I was still confused.

Then I saw a woman running on the beach with her dogs, and I realized she was yelling at me saying, "There's more!! Keep going! Keep going!" As I looked further down the beach, I saw that there was a whole line of roses leading down to the shore. I followed them and picked them up, only to find the last one at the shore, and Eric was not there. However, another envelope was there, which I promptly opened and found this:

I was going crazy, but I closed my eyes. Then I heard Eric behind me and he said,

"Bethany."

I turned around to find him in a tuxedo, kneeling on the ground, ring in hand, and looking so amazing. My eyes welled up as he smiled at me and gave me the most beautiful speech I have ever heard which included him saying if he ever let me go he would regret it for the rest of his life, and then he asked me to marry him. I couldn't stop smiling when I nodded my head quickly and said "YES!"

Now, I KNOW that I really want to marry HIM, because when he got up to hug and kiss me, I didn't care about the ring at all. He had to ask me if I wanted to see it and put it on! :) The ring is SO beautiful, and he did an amazing job picking it out. I couldn't imagine a more beautiful ring.

Friends, I'm going to die to myself and marry my best friend on June 11th, 2011. I couldn't be happier. Eric is by far the best man I have ever known. He is Godly, loving, caring, sensitive, funny, absolutely adorable, and the one person I can never live without. Thank you so much for all of your prayers throughout our relationship. I am so grateful to our wonderful God for granting our prayers and giving us to each other!

Yesterday afternoon we also had our engagement pictures taken, so be on the lookout for those as well. I have a great feeling that they're going to turn out BEAUTIFUL, and I'm really excited about them! Eric also had the same photographer secretly photograph the proposal, so I will definitely be showing those off as well.

Thanks so much again for all your support and for loving Eric and I through this! We love you all, and we're so elated that we get to spend the rest of our lives together. :)

<3

That's Just The Way It Is.

2010-09-17T16:46:00.001-05:00

I feel like I'm on a constant emotional rollercoaster. One day I can totally see the light and the hope that I have in Christ, and the next, I'm right back to or further away from where I started. My life has been such a whirlwind of events lately, and I don't really know what's going on. False accusations on my character, a destroyed reputation, feelings of guilt, jealousy, hurt, anger... and on top of all of that I have to place intense schoolwork and learning how to live with a long-distance relationship.

Let me tell you... It's not easy.

I know that God has called me to the place I'm at for a reason. I know that He has given me the strength that I need in order to overcome whatever I'm facing, but that doesn't exactly make things a walk in the park. Like I said, I still have my good days, but then I have my very bad days as well. I'm so grateful though for my wonderful Eric, my friends, my family, and above all, my Lord and Savior. I know that God has place the people in my life there for a reason, and I know that I have faithful friends who love me and want to see me through this.

That is a huge comfort.

I hate the fact that my posts lately have been more depressing than encouraging. I guess this is just a dark spot that I'm facing right now, but I'm trying to fight through it with everything that is in me, and cling desperately to the promises that my God has given to me. I know that He will never leave me, and He will never forsake me. I know that I may never see the results in this lifetime, but He is fighting for me, and He has ultimate purposes for everything that happens. I am so incredibly grateful to Him for His love and His mercy toward me. I don't deserve it at all.

I feel so much like David in the Psalms. If there was ever a picture of an emotional rollercoaster, the Psalms is where it's at. David is up, down, up, down, then up again. Then in the next Psalm he's right back to being down. I am finding a continual growth in dependence on the Psalms in my life for that reason, and it's really a comfort.

Though I can't see it right now, God is working in my life. Maybe He's molding me right now. Maybe He's showing me that some things in my life need to change, and even that I won't always get justice in life and things won't always be fair, but He is still God, and He is still sovereign. I guess He might just want to remind me to trust Him that He knows what He's doing.

...Ha, as I wrote that, a line in one of the songs I'm listening to said,

"You are God, and that's just the way it is."

I guess I need to remember that. Plain and simple, God is God. He's got it covered.

Lasting Hope.

2010-09-09T13:31:00.002-05:00

Hope. What is it? It's... well... Hope. It's the belief that no matter how difficult things get, there's still something to live for. It's the belief that when all seems lost, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. It may be a faint light, or we may not be able to see it at all, but it's still there.

I can't always see God working in my life. I can't always see how He's moving and how He's coordinating certain events in my life to work together for a certain purpose. All I can see is what is in the moment - what I'm longing for, joyful for, or even afraid of. Things seem to be such a mess in the moment, and I can't see how God is weaving it into His intricate plan for me.

And in some respects, I think part of me doesn't want to. Part of me wants to think that things in my life happen randomly, so that I don't have to worry about consequences if I try to fix it on my own. There's this small area within myself that wants to think that I'm on my own, that God isn't orchestrating everything, and that I can do whatever I want in order to resolve the situation in the way I see fit.

But that's not how it works. As positive as hope is, it also comes with a price. I have to give up my pride, and be willing to trust the One who gives and is my ultimate hope. I have read those passages so many times that God is sovereign, that He knows what He's doing, and He has a plan for my life. But when have I actually believed it? I've never had to put it into practice before, and now is the time when I actually have to live out what I believe. Phew... That's not easy.

But:

God is my hope.

God is my strength.

God is my deliverer.

God is my source.

God is my rock.

God is my redeemer.

God is my LORD.

God is my warrior.

And he... He will overcome everything that I face and everything that I struggle through. It is Him that I can cling to in my darkest and most difficult of moments, and even in the times when I think life is easy. He is the one I should look to.

Oh God, be the Rock of my life, and the one that I hold on to through the calm and through the storms.

Working With People Who Are Being Worked On.

2010-08-28T08:18:00.001-05:00

So, the title of my blog this round is a long one, but it is needed. What does it mean though, "Working With People Who Are Being Worked On"? It means that throughout our lives, we are going to work with people who aren't... *gasp* ...PERFECT. Each of us is still in process, and this is something that I have been learning very clearly in the past couple of days.

Recently I had a situation happen where I found out that someone I worked with in the past still harbors resentment toward me and is choosing not to forgive me for the mistakes I had made during the time we worked together. When I first learned of this, I was absolutely heartbroken, and I still am. I broke down in tears and cried for an hour or more, and I felt as though I was the worst person on earth. After I was done with that mess, I began to feel very bitter and resentful myself. How could this person do this? Why couldn't they see that I'm not a terrible person?

And then... I began to see my hypocrisy. Just like this person was choosing not to forgive me, I was doing the same thing. Now yes, the clincher here is that I saw my poor attitude and I had/have the desire to change it and the other person does not, but I HAVE always been someone who sees the flaws in my thinking fairly quickly. This does not make me better than the other person, but it just makes my thinking and the way I handle situations different.

The point here I suppose is... God works in each individual person differently, and it's not up to me to decide when that happens. I know that this other person is a believer, and so all I have to do is wait for God to work in their life. I am at peace knowing that I did everything I could to rectify the situation (and trust me, I racked my brain many, many times and I still do to see if I did anything else that needed to be fixed), and now it's in God's hands to do what He will with it.

I may never see the results of God's work in this person's life, and that needs to be okay. I was told by a couple people that I discussed this situation with that I may never see reconciliation in this matter. I may never see things "fixed." And that needs to be okay.

Oh my goodness. Do you know how hard that is for me? I am, by definition, a "fixer". So to be told that I can't fix something is one of the most difficult things for me to swallow. All I want to do is call this person, message them, do whatever I can in order to make the situation better. But the truth of the matter is that God is infinitely better than me at this kind of stuff, and I just need to leave it in his hands to do what He will with it. He has it all under control and He knows what He's doing.

Growing and learning to trust hurts a little bit.....

Homeless and Humbled.

2010-08-23T18:07:00.001-05:00

Homeless people. What do I think of them? I'm ashamed to say that I tend to look down on them, such as a situation that happened the other day:

------------------

As I sit in Starbucks, coffee in hand and Bible on the table, a homeless man walks over and stands next to me, talking to himself. I look at him, studying him carefully.

What do I do? Do I smile at him? Do I offer him my extra banana walnut bread? Do I simply pray for him silently?

No - I don't do any of these things. The only thing I do is slowly, carefully pull my purse closer to me, thinking that one sudden move will cause him to let loose. He moves away from me, beginning to shuffle through the crowd. He poiltely asks people if he can get through. All the people he passes just stare at him as he leaves without saying anything.

With head down and shoulders hunched over, he exits.

I sit at the window, dumbstruck at what I had just done. As I look out into the street with thoughts racing through my mind, I see him. He walks past my window, as as he does, he glances back at me. Sadness fills my heart when my eyes meet his. He doesn't look at me for long, but I will never forget the hopelessness I saw in those eyes as he passed.

And just like that, he is gone.

I am left sitting with my fancy drink and bread, dumbfounded, convicted, and shamed. What did I just do? Who am I, that I would ignore someone who is made in God's image, just as I am?

I am completely humbled and broken. As I walk out into the street, still holding my drink, the tears begin to flow. I begin to feel so selfish, spoiled, and ungrateful. What have I ever done to help the homeless in this city? I have so often just ignored them, turning a blind eye to their pain. I have been filled with so much judgment, believing that it is their fault that they are homeless, because they must have a drinking or drug problem, and not stopping to realize that they are human beings just like me, and God loves them just as much as he loves me. God even has a special affection and heart for the homeless.

And here I am, looking down on them and feeling superior to them.

Eric gave me some wonderful insight in saying that the reason I am where I am is not because I am so great or I have gotten myself there, but because I have people in my life who love me and want to see me succeed. He then explained that for most of the homeless people, the reason they are on the streets is because they do not have those connections. They have either lost all family connections, or because of intense pain and hurt in their lives, they choose not to use those connections.

I used to pride myself on being a kind and compassionate person. I don't view myself so highly anymore. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I know that I now have a desire to serve the homeless in some capacity, and learn who they are. I want to be rid of my presuppositions and my judgments, and see them as the image of God that they really are.

I hope you do the same.

100th Post. Wow.

2010-08-11T22:41:00.001-05:00

Wow, my 100th blogpost, that's kinda crazy. I actually wish that I had more posts than that right now, just because I love writing so much. I don't do it nearly as much as I'd like to just because I'm so busy a lot of the time, and I can't process everything that I'm thinking. Thus, my blogs tend to be much longer because I have, like the movie Mean Girls says, "Word Vomit." I keep everything in for so long that it just ends up spewing out onto here without much thought - which right now, makes the title of my blog very ironic. For everyone's sake and since I feel like being nice because it's my 100th post, I'll break it up into sections. So... Here goes.

Reflections on my Internship:

Sooner or later (probably later) I'm going to write a post about everything that I did on my internship this summer, just because I told people I would keep them updated on here, and I really didn't do such a hot job of that. But for now, I'll just talk about the things I learned. That may be a bit backwards, but I don't really care so much at the moment. :) Okay. Sarcasm finished.

So, for lack of a better analogy, this summer was a total emotional rollercoaster, filled with TONS of highs (Being with Eric, doing fun things with the students), and lows (having conflicts with other interns, being stressed and behind on my Bible study). Because it was so up and down all the time, I really learned a lot, and I learned different things than I expected to. I expected to learn how to do youth ministry and how to teach a Bible study. While yes, I did learn those things, those weren't the main things I learned. Probably the biggest thing I learned was how to work through conflicts with people that you're on a team with, especially if you have two totally different viewpoints on what the ministry should look like and be about. It's different and difficult to work with these people, but I realized, especially after the internship was over, that they have just as much of a right to work in the ministry as I do. Bummer that I had to figure that out afterwards, right? But yeah, it's definitely not easy to work with people that you disagree with, but since we are the body of Christ, we are called to be united with each other and to work together for a single purpose and cause. If we don't, then everything falls apart and we are no longer working for the cause of Christ. I wish I had figured this out earlier... Because I definitely experienced the falling apart end of things. Oh well.. Lesson learned.

On a personal level, I learned that it's A LOT different dating someone in real life than it is at Moody (please remember that, Moody students!). It was so strange to be living 15 minutes away (so far) from Eric all summer, and yet I still saw him every day (a habit that was formed at Moody and was pretty much impossible to break). It was really difficult to learn how a relationship functions outside of the Moody environment. I wish we had known that going into the summer, but I guess that's a lesson learned as well. Now unfortunately we're about to learn what a long-distance relationship looks like, and that's going to be incredibly difficult. However, I'm trying to go into it with a strong head on my shoulders and know that I'm going to cry a lot, but in the end it's going to be totally worth it.

Reflections on Life:

Lately I've been feeling a lot of criticism and judgment from people about my degree and what I'm going to do after I graduate. This really disheartens me and makes me really think about why I'm doing what I'm doing. So, I'm getting my degree in Biblical Languages. Basically it's just a Bible degree with languages tacked on there as an emphasis. I honestly can't do a whole lot with that degree to make money besides being a Bible teacher at a Christian school, but I've really never thought about getting paid for using my degree. Honestly. I've always just wanted a side job that pays the bills so I can do my real work, which is ministry in the church. I don't care about having a "real job" persay, but the question I have been asked a lot is, "When are you going to get a real job?" ...That sucks. That's not who I am, and that's not who I'm going to be. I don't have any moral aversion to getting paid, but I just don't really want to. That's all there is to it. I know that God is calling me into full-time ministry, and He'll provide the money that I need to live on. I may not live "comfortably" or have very many extras in life, but all I need is enough money so that I can survive. I don't like the judgment that I feel from people, but the truth of the matter is that this is what I truly believe my calling is, and the people who judge what I choose to do and not do just don't understand. They're not bad people, they're not rude or inconsiderate. They just don't understand.

I feel like this is what happens with the vast majority of students that attend Moody. People from the outside don't get why we'd come to a school just to study the Bible, and then go out into the world and not make any money. Our American culture is all about climbing the ladder of success and the more money you make, the more successful you are. However, that's really not how I see things. I don't care about making money. I'm not saying that I'm a better person, but that's just my perspective for my life. If I make money, then I make money. If I don't, then I don't. It's really just not a big deal to me.

----

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day, and I'm sure that now that my internship is over, I'll be blogging a lot more frequently. So... yay! You all should click the little "follow" button up top so that I know that people actually read this thing. Or comment. Yeah.. Comments are fun. :)

<3

Everything I Need.

2010-08-11T21:56:00.001-05:00

This song is absolutely amazing, and I love it so much...

Blown About And Tossed Around.

2010-07-27T10:52:00.001-05:00

This summer has been... crazy, to say the very least. I have felt so blown about in my life and in my faith that I have a hard time seeing which way is up sometimes. My internship has been the most stressful and most growing experience that I've ever had in my entire life. My emotional, spiritual, and physical life has been tested, bent, wrung out, and broken this whole summer. Though I've thoroughly enjoyed all the time that I've had with my students, it hasn't been easy.

I've found myself asking a lot of questions about my faith. Is the faith that I have real? Am I willing to do anything for the cause of Christ? Am I willing to follow God's leading, no matter where it may send me? Am I in this just to be comfortable, or am I willing to step out of my comfort zone and in faith?

Unfortunately, I have yet to answer most of these questions. I've just felt so blown about that I don't have any stability right now in order to answer those questions. As soon as I get my feet on the ground again, I know that I'll be able to answer those questions with confidence. I see the light at the end of the tunnel though, which is wonderful.

I don't know how and I don't know when, but I know that God is going to bring me through this difficult time that I find myself in. I am longing to feel long-lasting joy again. I'm longing to feel full of life again. I know that hope is there, but when things will actually start happening, I can't be sure.

Please continue to hold me in your prayers.

Saddened.

2010-06-15T11:51:00.001-05:00

Wow, it has really been a long time since I've updated anything on this blog. But lately through talking with people, purusing my facebook, and hearing about things, I have become very saddened about what I see going on in the peoples' lives around me.

My heart breaks because of the choices that I see my friends and others making with their lives, but at the same time, I feel so totally helpless in the situation. What do I do? I am not at a place in anyone's life to tell them that they are making wrong decisions and they are only hurting themselves. I am seeing more and more people getting into partying, drinking, drugs, and sex, and none of it is leading anywhere good. I am finding out about more and more girls that I know who are becoming single mothers, and that absolutely frightens me for them. I am more than thrilled that these young women have decided to keep their babies, don't get me wrong. I also want to note that I am not condemning them for their choices, but I will be honest in saying that it does make me very sad at where I see my generation going.

Again, I feel very helpless in this matter. What do I do? What do I say? Do I just live my life as an example and hope for the best? Do I just hope that they will see how I'm living my life and want to be the same way? Or do I actually step out and say something to them? If so, when, how, and what do I say to them? I really do feel utterly helpless and lost in the situation. I am scared for these people.

I don't have any answers in this blog. All I'm doing is posing my questions and helplessness in cyberspace, hoping to somehow figure it out along the way. But the questions still remain. I want to help, but I don't know how, and I don't even know if it's my place. I guess that the least I can do - and the most - is to pray for them, and pray that God takes care of them and gives them the strength to do what they need to do.

I just wish there was something more that I could do.

When God Works, He WORKS.

2010-05-09T21:54:00.002-05:00

Wow, I cannot believe the amazing and ridiculous things that have occurred within the last week. I have been surprised by God's power and might so much in the past few days that I can hardly stand it. I have never seen him work so obviously and so quickly in my life, and I am so grateful that all of this happened. Okay, here it is:

So, you all know that I have been a Women's Ministry major at school here for a couple years. Well, not anymore. Ever since I had such a huge issue trying to find an internship with that major I started thinking about changing my major. I didn't really think about it seriously until a couple weeks ago when I really started to research it. I realized that I would have to take a couple extra classes online and I would have to CLEP a few classes, but I knew that I was completely willing to do that in order to change my major, take the classes that I actually wanted to take, and do an internship that I would actually enjoy. I already knew that the Bible department head was okay with me switching, so I just needed to meet with the Pastoral department head to see if he was alright with it. He was, and so he signed my Change-Of-Major form, I took it to Academic Records, and the next day (Tuesday) I found out that I am now officially a Biblical Languages major! But wait, it gets better.

So, right after I turned in my form for the major change, Eric told me that his youth pastor had previously been looking for interns with the youth group for the summer. After I found out that everything had gone through, I called him up, and we decided that I would be going to Minnesota this summer to be an intern! So even though I thought that I was going to go home for the summer and work, God made the door of opportunity WIDE open, and I just had to walk through! And just wait, it gets better. Almost simultaneously as I found out that it was official that I would be working at the church this summer, my friend Heather texted me to tell me that her parents want to have me live with them while I'm an intern! Let me tell you, all of this was almost too much for me to handle. But that's not all that happened.

So, as you can tell, Eric are not going to be long-distance this summer as we had previously thought. This would not have worked out for all of this to have happened earlier in the semester because of where our relationship was. But the weekend prior to all of this happening we made a total shift in our relationship and are on a completely new and amazing level, which means that we are both totally comfortable with and excited about the fact that we're going to be together all summer.

And oh yes, there's more. After I informed my parents that I would not be spending the summer at home but would be living in Minnesota, my dad asked me if Eric would be interested in coming to Florida with us after graduation before we drive to Minnesota together. I didn't really think all that seriously about it, but decided I'd ask Eric if he'd like to go just for kicks. He actually was really interested in it, and decided that he wanted to go. Both sets of parents were in total favor of it, and even decided to help him pay for the majority of his expenses. So, not only are we going to spend the summer together, but he's also coming with my family and me to DisneyWorld!

Needless to say, this past week was incredibly overwhelming, and God's work throughout it was just completely obvious, wonderful, and almost unbelievable. I am now a total believer in the fact that God really does have perfect timing, and that he knows without a doubt what he is doing. He's never surprised by anything, but will wait until the circumstances and situations are perfect until he decides to make a big move.

Thank you God for this incredible opportunity. I don't deserve it, but I am so glad and blessed that you chose to reveal yourself in this way.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Psalm 96

2010-05-01T09:05:00.002-05:00

Psalm 96:

Oh sing to the Lord a new song;
sing to the Lord, all the earth!
Sing to the Lord, bless his name;
Tell of his salvaion from day to day.
Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous works among all the
peoples!
For great is the Lord,a nd greatly to be
praised;
he is to be feared above all gods.
For all the gods of the peoples are
worthless idols;
but the Lord made the heavens.
Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and beauty are in his
sanctuary.

Ascribe to the Lord, O families of the
peoples,
ascribe to the Lord glory and strength!
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his
name;
bring an offering, and come into his
courts!
Worship the Lord in the splendor of
holiness;
tremble before him, all the earth!

Say among the nations, "The Lord reigns!
Yes, the world is established; it shall
never be moved;
he will judge the peoples with equity."

Let the heavens be glad, and let the earth rejoice;
let the sea roar, and all that fills it;
let the field exult, and everything in it!
Then shall all the trees of the forest sing
for joy
before the Lord, for he comes,
for he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness,
and the peoples in his faithfulness.

All Things.

2010-04-18T14:40:00.001-05:00

Love Bears All Things.

What does this statement really mean? I was struck by this one sentence today after church. While waiting for Eric to get out of a children's ministry meeting, I was contemplating on the sermon preached today which was 1 John 4:7-21, which was about loving others as God loves us. I wanted to dive deeper into what it means to really love others, so I began to study 1 Corinthians 13. I don't know if I've ever actually meditated on those words as long as I should, but that's what I did today, and it opened my eyes to new understanding.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I want whoever's reading this to really meditate on those words. What do they really mean in the context of our relationships with other people? I know that I've glossed over these words so many times without really thinking about what they mean, but today I took the time to chew on them, and what I found is incredibly deep.

When it says that love bears all things, it means just that. It means that love is there no matter what. No matter what the other person does, if we truly love them, we are not going to just walk away. Now, let me make myself clear: there is a difference between someone whose heart is hardened and will not change, and someone who is sincere in changing and bettering himself yet keeps making the same mistake. With someone whose heart is hardened, we are not obligated to stay with them and "bear all things." But I believe that the ones that we are to bear all things with are the ones who deeply desire to change their behavior and their actions, yet struggle to figure out how. I hope it's somewhat clear what I mean.

Continuing on - When I think about how often I actually "bear all things" for the sake of my brothers and sisters in Christ, I am astonished to realize that I more often give up on people than anything else. I want to believe that they'll change, but because of past painful experiences, the temptation and desire to walk away can be overwhelming at times. However, I would not be loving others if I chose this path. We are called to put others above ourselves. We don't live for ourselves if we are in Christ, and therefore we are commanded to serve our brother and sisters.

I struggle with this - I really do. I want to live for myself and put my needs above others' needs, especially when things get difficult. When things get tough and I feel weak, it becomes SO easy to stop serving others and focus on myself. Even if the person is REALLY struggling, I end up becoming selfish and want them to focus on me for a change instead of continuing to give more of myself. Especially in close relationships however, this is not the way that it should work. Demanding that our needs be taken care of as well just causes more harm to the other person, and doesn't end up helping at all.

I am not saying that we shouldn't have our needs taken care of. But in that moment, whatever friendship or relationship that it is, if one person is struggling, they need to become the primary concern. We, as the strong ones, need to find our comfort, refreshment, and strength somewhere else so that we are able to continue helping them in the way that they need it.

This is what it means to bear all things. We love until we feel like we can't love anymore - and then we love more. We not only "put up with" the poor behavior, the bad attitudes, the brokenness, the sheer humanity, but we gladly help the other person to bear the heavy load that they are carrying, in order to do what we can to help them.

Those outside the Christian faith will know us by our love. What do they see when they look at us? Do they see us serving each other and loving each other with an enduring love that purely seeks for the good of others, or do they see us being selfish and wanting our own needs met above our own brothers and sisters? I am continually challenged by this thought.

I will readily admit to being very bad at loving others, and putting them above myself without expecting something in return. But how did God love us? He sent his very own Son to die for us, knowing full well that we would never be able to repay him for that sacrifice. But yet Christ died anyway, to show that God loves us purely and selflessly.

We are called to sacrifice ourselves for our brothers and sisters in Christ. Love isn't always or maybe even often a "warm and fuzzy" feeling, but it's uncomfortable. It's painful. It's hard. It's exhausting. It's not easy, friends. It is hard to love others, especially if they have hit a weak and painful time in their lives. It is in those moments that we need to show our love for them, and we need to be Christ for them. It is in those moments that we are called to forsake ourselves, and serve them in the best way that we know how. We won't be perfect at it or sometimes even good at it, but we know that God will give us strength to get through those times, as we help others get through their hard times.

Strength of Mind.

2010-04-08T16:13:00.001-05:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted... I guess I've either been busy, or I haven't done much that I think is worthy to be blogged about. Just a quick update:

I'm in the middle of my busiest time of the semester. Well, just about to start it. I have 2 quizzes tomorrow and an exam to take this weekend, plus I have an exam for my Self-Defense class, and a couple paper due next week. It's going to be very busy, that's for sure. To top it all off, the Junior-Senior banquet is this weekend, and while it's going to be fun, it just adds to the stress. I'm trying to take it all in stride though and figure out what the most important things are, so I can do those. I know I'll get everything done, but just like everything else this semester, I don't know how well I'll do on it. But anyway. For those of you who are interested, things are still going well with Eric. It was our 2-month anniversary on Saturday. :) I went home to Minnesota with him this past weekend for Easter, and it went well.

So anyway, now on to my rant....

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about how important it is for people to have strength of minds. What does this mean? Well, I see too often that people are just "silly." I'm speaking abut my own sex in this case, mostly. There is so much time spent talking about things that don't matter, such as shopping, celebrities, and which guy we think is cute. I'm really frustrated about this behavior. I mean, I guess I can see why and how it would happen since I have those tendencies myself sometimes, but I can't imagine filling my life with such meaningless things.

These things that we talk about all the time... I wonder if we realize that they're all just going to pass away? They don't do anything to up or to help us look heavenward, but rather they pull us back to this earth, which will not last. Not only is this the case, but these meaningless things that we put so much time and effort into don't even help our intelligence or success in life.

The kinds of things that we put our time and effort into reflect what we believe is really important in life. While a person who says that guys/girls are really not that important to them and they're okay with being single, the amount of time that they spend talking about them and being with them says differently.

I feel like my thoughts are just going everywhere at the moment, but it's something I'm really struggling through. What types of things do I think about, talk about, and dream out? Do I think, talk, and dream things that matter, or things that are absolutely meaningless?

Honestly, it doesn't matter if the guy on that sport's team is cute or not, or that celebrity is the best actor you've ever seen. It doesn't matter if you get the highest score on a facebook or video game, and it definitely doesn't matter if you own the most movies or not. It doesn't matter whether or not Jon is going to get custody of the kids from Kate, and it doesn't matter which celebrity is getting a divorce this week.

I cannot stress enough just how meaningless these things are. I'm not judging those who think these things are important (well, maybe a little), but I struggle with some of the exact same things. We get so focused on this world and what it has to offer that we forget what's really important.

So what is important then? Christ. No, we can't think about Christ constantly because we have other things going on in our lives, but if we make Christ of first importance, then we will be more able to prioritize correctly in the way that we should. Christ needs to be central in our lives. He needs to be who we strive after, and who we live for. In the end, nothing else matters. Absolutely nothing else. All that matters is what we did with our relationship with Christ, and how important we made him in our lives.

I Am Broken.

2010-03-17T10:18:00.001-05:00

Why do I do this? Time and time again God gives me an opportunity to trust him, and I throw it away. I depend more on myself rather than on his promises and what I know to be true about him. I have become the very same type of person that I so often speak against. The person who does not look to God in her circumstances and trust him to bring her through. The person who makes herself more like a god than God himself by believing that she has everything under control. I am without doubt a despicable human being.

Why is it so hard to trust the God of the universe, the one who not only created everything, but who also sustains it? It's hard to fathom just how easy it is to love God one minute, and then completely turn one's back on him the next.

I should trust God with my future, and know that he knows what he's doing. Through all of this, I'm realizing that I do not spend nearly enough time in the Word. I focus more on myself and what I want to do instead of immersing myself in Scripture and getting lost in it. I should want to fill my heart and mind with Scripture, but so often it just becomes a drudgery and I end up doing or reading something else instead because, well, God will love me anyway.

I need to stop this, and I need to actually get into his word and really glean what I need from it. Scripture is supposed to encourage and convict us, but too many times I've just stared at the pages, not letting any of it sink in. I want to trust God, and I want to fall thoroughly in love with his word. I need to in order to be healthy. I know in my mind that God is good and trustworthy, but it is through reading Scripture that my heart may know the truth.

Psalm 62:5-8

For God alone, O my soul, wait in
silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

"Jesus is My Boyfriend."

2010-03-15T09:56:00.002-05:00

So, lately I've been hearing from a lot of people a lot of criticism of songs that are apparently "Jesus is my boyfriend" songs, where if you took out Jesus' name in the songs and inserted someone else's name (the one you love, obviously), you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

Honestly, I have a hard time having the same criticism as these people. I guess I can see their point, but aren't we supposed to sing songs of how much we love and adore God? Yes, He is far more than anyone that we could ever love and He is absolutely incomparable to anything that we have ever experienced, but if we want to express our love for Him, why can't we express it in a way that we know how to do, which is to describe it in terms of a human relationship? I think that love songs to Christ have come under far too much criticism. I don't know if I'm just not listening to the same music that other people are, but the songs I'm hearing are absolutely fine.

Right now I'm thinking of a song by Phil Wickham called "Always and Forever." In it he sings, "You are my Love, my Life, always, forever..." Sure, that could also be sung to another human being, but we are supposed to sings songs of adoration and love to our King. I do believe that there needs to be a balance between how many of those types of songs we sing and praising God for the things that He has done, but I don't think it's fair to criticize the love songs simply because of what they are.

I think people have gotten carried away when it comes to criticizing things, that we have forgotten about the things that are actually important. We spend all of our time judging this and that, thinking this is stupid and that is dumb, and not realizing that we may actually be missing the point of the things that we are being critical of. Does that make sense?

I mean, I know that I have the same issue as well. I tend to pick apart every little thing in a song or a sermon. I become very judgmental and want things to sound good on my terms instead of realizing what the other person is trying to say. Should we be critical and discerning in our lives? Yes, yes we should. But we can definitely become too involved in it, and unfortunately I think the reformed culture has taken being discerning to an extreme - even to the point of mocking things that they don't agree with.

This needs to change. Instead of having superior attitudes over the things that we disagree with, maybe we need to actually take things in and consider what the person is really trying to do or say, and if we still disagree with it, then maybe we just need to hold our tongues.

No, we are not here to please others and to make them happy, but we need to be mindful of them and the fact that they are made in God's image just as much as we are. We may disagree with other believers on certain issues, but really... if we agree on the basic doctrines of the faith, shouldn't that cause us to be more unified instead of becoming divided on small issues? Instead of alienating those that we disagree with, we need to embrace them because God has called us to be unified as a church.

It has been rare that I have seen criticism be uplifting and encouraging to the person that it is against. This is what causes divisions in the Church, and it needs to be stopped. Be discerning, yes. But don't be so critical to the point that you bring down fellow believers and end up hurting and pushing them away in the process.

Philippians 2:1-11

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus ever knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Contradictory Culture.

2010-03-11T16:50:00.002-06:00

Hm.. I was talking with Eric today, and something that we talked about caused me to think about the postmodern culture that we live in and how contradictory it really is. Have you ever noticed that? I've found myself guilty of it as well. I think that the cause of this is mainly just the effects of postmodernity in general. While I don't believe everything about postmodernism is wrong, I think that it has greatly affected us in how we believe what we do. So many things center on there not being an objective standard of truth in today's culture, and I think as Christians we unfortunately are susceptible to being sucked into that. We are inundated with the world telling us that truth is subjective and it's how you want it to be that it becomes difficult to separate what the world is telling us from what God is telling us.

As Christians, we know or at least we should know that the Bible is our objective standard of truth. I'm sure you've all heard the cliche that "all truth is God's truth." This is... well... a true statement, as cheesy as it is (I might be a little more critical of it since I've heard it at least once a semester since jr. high). However, I think we tend to get more caught up in the unknowns about the Bible instead of focusing on the objective reality. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but it causes us to be more easily swayed when we're told about different interpretations of certain Scriptures and how we should apply Scripture to our every day lives.

No, the Bible doesn't give us an answer about every situation of life. And frankly, I don't think it's necessarily supposed to speak to every situation that we face. It's good to apply the general biblical principles to life, but we also need to consider what we know to be true about God (which also comes from the Bible) and we need to use the wisdom and discernment that God has given us as His children. Honestly, I don't think we use our minds enough when dealing with certain aspects of life or trying to make decisions. Instead we try to gain knowledge and wisdom from other people by buying books on the subject, and talking to as many people as we can in order to get "advice." In my experience though, sometimes that really just makes the situation worse. People are always going to have their own opinions of what the "right" thing to do in the situation is, and we just end up being more confused than we were before.

However, I think I'm getting off-topic. Kind of. This is still an illustration though of how contradictory even our Christian culture can be. We don't have an objective standard that we look to anymore, but we just generally look for what other people's opinions are; after that, we just end up doing what "sounds" best. What "feels" like the right thing to do. This is why I know that God gave us the ability to have discernment in our spiritual lives. We have the ability to make logical and rational decisions on our own without all this help, but we decide not to because we're too afraid of making the wrong choice. This is not to say that I don't believe in asking for other people's advice, but I think there has to be a balance, and you can ask too many people.

Overall however, I think that if we use the combination of the Word, what we know to be true about God, and the minds that He has given us, we can overcome the contradictions that our culture has so inundated us with.

Yeah, I don't know if this post makes sense at all, but it's just something that I've been thinking about and figured I'd throw into a blog. :)

So, It's Been a While.

2010-03-07T10:47:00.002-06:00

Hey guys... :) So, it's definitely been a while since I've posted anything on here, so I thought that I would go ahead and update everyone on what's going on in my life. I'm on spring break now, so I actually have time to do that, which is really nice.

First off, school has been absolutely insane this semester. I feel as though I'm barely staying above the waves, but by God's grace I'm still surviving. I've unfortunately gotten behind in a couple classes, but my professors are gracious and understanding, and just want me to do as best as I can under my circumstances. I never realized the difference that one more credit in my schedule would make. I've had 17 credit hours without any problem, but 18 is a whole different ball game. I think it's also the fact that I have harder classes this semester with more work, which makes me tired and stressed most of the time. All that being said though, I love my classes. I really do. I'm in the middle of memorizing the book of Romans right now, I've preached one sermon and another is in the works, I'm learning about the history of the American faith, I'm continuing to learn more Greek, and I'm learning how to defend myself as well. :) God is good in getting me through, and while I won't get the best grades this semester, I know that I've done as well as I can.

I don't know if I've mentioned it on here, but I'm the leader of a women's ministry called ZOE on campus. Basically, my job is to create and host events for the women on campus in order for them to be relaxed and to hear from great speakers. We had a professor speak in February, and I'm going to have another professor speak in April. Right now the women's ministry group as a whole is working on a dessert for the women on campus in March, and it's definitely time consuming. Who knew that creating such a large event would be so much work? I've been mostly in charge of advertisement, which is something that I really enjoy and I'm glad that I'm doing. It's just not easy to do in the midst of everything else I'm responsible for this semester, but all of us are in it together, and that's a great comfort.

As far as my summer plans go.... Things have been so confusing and have changed so many times. At first I wanted to intern at a publishing company, then I talked to the women's ministry director at Eric's church for a month and then found out that it won't work, and then I thought I was going to get full-time hours at the library, and I just found out yesterday that that's not going to work out either. This is definitely a time where I'm really confused, but where I know that I need to trust God and His plans. He's choosing not to reveal to me just yet what He wants, and while I don't know why, I know that I need to trust that He knows what's best. Once I get back from spring break I'm going to explore other job options and see what's available so I can still stay in Chicago.

So, now on to the present time. Right now I'm in Spokane visiting friends for the first weekend of spring break, and it's absolutely wonderful. I'm staying with my dear friends Hollie and Carter, and I couldn't be more blessed to be here. Hollie and I have really been able to bond over the past couple of days, and I've also been able to see and talk to a few other friends. It's definitely interesting being here after moving away so long ago (the last time I visited was October '08). While I'm really enjoying being here, there's definitely a disconnect because this is not my home anymore. It's clear that my home right now is Chicago, and this is not where God wants me to be. But it's still nice to catch up with friends and reconnect with them. Tomorrow I head back to Colorado for 12 days, and that will be really nice. It'll be good to see my family again and to hang out with high school and camp friends. Then on the very last weekend of spring break I'm flying up to Minnesota to visit Eric and his family, and I'm so excited for that.

Speaking of Eric... :) Just a short update. Things are going really well with us. We celebrated our one-month this past Wednesday, and we are both absolutely excited about what God has in store for us. We know that it's the early stages of our relationship (obviously), but God has done so much to allow us to open up to each other and really work through the baggage that we both come with. I am continually amazed by this man every day, and it's the hardest thing in the world to be away from him right now. All I want to do is hold his hand and know that he's there beside me, but I have to wait another 13 days for that. It may not sound like a long time at all, but when we're used to being around each other for at least some of every single day together, it feels a lot longer. Please continue praying for us, that we would seek God's will in everything continue to put Him at the center of our relationship.

Well, I guess that's all for now. If I've left anything out I'll just post another update soon, but I think that's pretty much all. Love you guys. <3

Age of Discovery.

2010-02-18T10:27:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my age, and the place I'm at in life. What I've realized is that right now, here in this place, is the perfect time for God to be molding me more and more into what He wants me to become. Now, this is not saying that in a different time of life God can't change me or that I won't change, but there is something significant about being my age. I've been told over and over again that the ages between 18 and 22 are when you change the most, and I definitely have to agree with that. I am most certainly a completely different person than I was when I was in high school. While there are aspects of who I was that I sometimes wish I could get back, for the most part I am completely satisfied with who I am becoming. I am falling more in love with my Savior every day, and He is shaping and molding me more to His likeness.

I think too many times I take where I'm at for granted, and I don't stop to think about the amazing opportunity that God has given me. Here I am, at a world-renowned school where I am blessed to be learning from some of the best professors out there, and yet I still find room to complain about life and my classes. Yes, there are definitely a few useless classes out there, such as Lifetime Fitness and Self-Defense (well, obviously self-defense is not useless, but the class is). But even my good classes I've found room to complain about. Yes, some of the professors require way too much homework, but it's ultimately my choice how I decide to respond and what my attitude is. I chose to go to this school. I put in the time and effort to apply and be accepted here, and yet I always forget that. Why can't we just be satisfied completely in the places we are at? I guess that's just what happens when we have to deal with our fallen nature.

I should also be thrilled at the opportunity to change in so many different ways at this age. And while I am excited about it, there's still a part of me that wishes that there wasn't such a whirlwind around me all the time. Sometimes I just wish that I could just be. Does that make sense? Instead of constantly looking inward at myself and wondering why I do the things I do and why I am the way that I am, I just want to be myself and enjoy life. It's a good thing to be introspective though, I think. If we lose the ability to do that, then we have essentially lost the ability to allow God to work in and through us.

The college years are so crucial in shaping who we are to become later on in life, and I think that it's very important to be aware of that. Who are we setting ourselves up now to become later on in life? Are we self-focused, or are we others-focused? Are we organized in getting things done on time, or do we procrastinate until the last possible moment? Are we good stewards of our time and money?

Most importantly: Do we pursue our own happiness and desires, or do we fully pursue our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? What is it that we are pursuing now that will affect us later in life? Too many times we are so "in-the-now" and present-focused that we do not look to the future and realize how our actions now will affect us later on.

Trust me, I am first in all of these mistakes and screw-ups. I am far from perfect and have messed up so many times that it would take me forever to explain them all to you. But what I do know is that I do desire that my God would change my heart to become more like His, and that He would break me in such a way that I have to fully fall into His arms. He has already done this so many times, and I am so grateful that He is showing me more and more who He is every day. I can only hope and pray that I will continue to pursue Him and His righteousness for the rest of my life.

Curious Thoughts.

2010-02-15T14:21:00.001-06:00

Hm.. I've been seeing a few things in the past few days that have really interested me and made me think. Well really it's just one thing, but I've seen it in multiple locations. These are pictures, especially on facebook and as profile pictures, of individuals singing praise music.

I, being the critic and cynic that I am, have found this really interesting, and it has caused me to wonder what the intentions are behind putting pictures up like that. I know that we should be willing and able to worship God in a public setting and do it unashamedly, but what is to be gained by posting a profile picture of yourself, raising your hands and singing?

I want to believe that the intentions are pure and right and good, but there's also a part of me that sees that and wonders how much of the intentions were from pride. Though we may not admit it and may not even know it consciously, is there part of us that wants people to see how "spiritual" we are? Call me cynical - that's fine. It's just something I have trouble with seeing the good intentions in.

Like I said, I want to believe that people have the right attitudes about it, and they just don't know how it might come across. But part of me sees those pictures and thinks that the person is saying, "Look at me, and how much I love Jesus. Aren't I so great?"

I don't know, maybe that's being too critical. But I definitely think it's something to think about. While it shouldn't be our main focus, we should be aware of how we come across to those around us, and that the things we do, while they may not seem like a big deal to us, could be perceived very differently by others.

Those are just my random thoughts for the day.

In other news... I am realizing just how blessed I really am. God has brought me through the darkest time of my life, and things are just so good right now. I know they won't always be, and there are still some difficult things going on, but I just feel so satisfied and content in my life right now. Even though classes are so busy and just absolutely ridiculous, I'm still loving them, and loving what I'm learning. I'm really excited to use what I've learned once I graduate. I'm also realizing more and more how great of a man my boyfriend is, and how blessed I am to have him in my life. This past Valentine's weekend was wonderful, and I'm just looking forward to seeing how God continues to work through us. We just worked it out last night to where I can go to Minnesota at the end of spring break to see him, and I am SO thrilled about that. It'll be so much fun to see where he comes from and why he is the way he is.

I also feel like I have the desire again to fully pursue God, and that's such a relief. I crave my time with him in the mornings, and I am completely enjoying learning more about him. I'm in the middle of memorizing Romans for a class right now, and it is so, so much more than just memorization. I have been so edified and so encouraged by what I'm memorizing, and it has just been so great.

God is so good. Really, He is. He is revealing more about Himself to me every day, and I am completely enjoying taking it in. God really does bring renewal and refreshment after struggles, and He reveals Himself in a new and wonderful way all the time. It's so true that when we seek Him, we will find Him. He will not hide from us when we are in our distresses and our troubles. It may be more difficult to see Him, but He's still there, and maybe even more present than ever.

Mm... Yes.

2010-02-06T07:37:00.001-06:00

So, I decided that now was an okay to update you all on this man in my life. We haven't even become facebook official yet, but I didn't want to wait to talk about him. :D

His name is Eric, and he's a senior here at Moody, majoring in Biblical languages (we both share a nerdy love for Greek). I had seen him around campus before, but we officially met when a group of us went dancing last semester. I only danced with him once, which was a huge bummer because he was really good. I had also always assumed that he had a girlfriend, so I didn't really think much of it until my friend Emily told me that he was actually single. Even so, since I didn't know him, I just thought, "hm," and moved on.

So now we come to after Christmas break. A girl from his home church, Heather, just transferred here for the spring semester, and she just happens to be my neighbor in the dorm. Because I was there early as part of the orientation leadership, I got to know her and hang out with her. The first weekend back on campus, after lunch we all decided to go to Jewel, so the new freshmen could go grocery shopping. She told me that she had asked one of her friends from home, Eric, to come with us because he wanted to hang out with her. I will admit, even though I didn't know him, I was a little excited that he was coming along because he had already made a good first impression with me. So that was the first day that we actually talked. Afterward we played Dutch Blitz with 4 of us, and I felt bad because I REALLY sucked at it. -51 points is not a way to impress a guy, that's for sure. :)

So time went on, and we hung out with him a couple more times, studying and just hanging out. Then one night he asked me if I wanted to go to Berry Chill (a frozen yogurt place in the city) with his bro/sis. I ended up not being able to go because of homework, but that was okay, because he asked me to go just the two of us just a couple days later. Funny story, actually. His asking me was supposed to be a joke (which I didn't catch), so it was a little awkward how it happened. But that's okay, because it obviously ended well. :) He and I went on the date and had a great time, and spent the rest of the weekend hanging out. Since then, we have been hanging out and spending a lot of time together, having some really deep and good conversations. His love for God is absolutely evident, and he is such a leader.

This past weekend and week was Founder's Week for the school, and so we had the week off of classes. Mom and Dad were in town because Dad was on a business trip, so they actually got to meet him! :) And Eric told me that it was after spending time with all of us that he officially decided that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. He was going to wait until Sunday to ask me to be his girlfriend, but he decided (thankfully) that the rest of the week would have sucked if he had done that, so instead he asked me on Wednesday night. :)

It's only day 3 of our relationship, but I am so incredibly excited about everything. This has definitely been a God-thing and so totally unexpected, and we're both looking forward to seeing how God decides to use this relationship. We're definitely holding it with open hands, and we want God to work in and through us the way He wants to.

I know that I said that I wasn't going to get into a relationship this semester, but it's obvious that God has orchestrated this, and I don't want to do anything that is against what He wants. I'm sure that I'm also speaking for him when I ask for your prayers for us and our relationship. We want to put God first in everything and have Him at the complete center. We don't want to focus on ourselves, but on Him alone.

Thanks. :)

God's Timing is Impeccable.

2010-02-04T07:20:00.001-06:00

So, I'm not going to give many details right now, but I would just like to declare to my blog that.... I have a boyfriend. :D

I may give more details later. Maybe. But we just became official last night, so I want to see what happens first. :)

Slipping Through My Fingertips.

2010-01-31T10:07:00.001-06:00

Never have I felt such a strong desire to give God everything than this moment right now. I desire tosurrender my life to Him and allow Him to control what happens, so that He may be most glorified. I am not my own, but I am His. I am bought with His precious blood, and for that I am eternally grateful. In the end, it is His name that must be loved, worshipped, and glorified.

Who am I to think that I may control my own life? I am a depraved, sinful human being, and everything I touch turns to utter destruction and desolation. It is only through the power of Christ that I am here today, and that my life is not in shambles.

Because of this, I will let my life slip through - my dreams, my desires, my longings - slip through my hands, hands which until now have grasped those dreams so tightly so as not to let one be touched, not even by the God of the universe, who has such better plans for me than I have for myself.

Here I am, God - my open hands and open heart before You. Do what You will with me, so that You may be glorified through me. To You be the glory and honor and praise forever and ever, Amen.

How He Loves Us.

2010-01-30T12:37:00.001-06:00

By far one of my favorite songs right now... It's so powerful, and so wonderful. I love my Jesus more and more every day. He is infinitely good to me, and I don't deserve it at all.

He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane,
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of
His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.
(x2)

Yeah, He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves.
(x2)

We are His portion and
He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption
by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss and my heart turns
violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us
Oh, how He loves us
OH, how He loves

Oh, the Possibilities.

2010-01-27T13:57:00.002-06:00

Okay so... I haven't updated this in a while. This pertains to my internship this summer. I know that I talked before about the possibility of doing my internship here in Chicago, but I actually just got off the phone with a woman who works for Friendship Church in Minnesota, and it's looking like that's a good possibility! There would need to be a little tweaking on the requirements, but I don't think it'll be too much. I would be doing my internship in an 8-week period there, and would hopefully be living with the parents of a girl on my floor. Please be in prayer with me about this, as I am probably going to start looking at more options, just in case this one doesn't work out. It would definitely be wonderful if this church worked out, but I'm not exactly sure what's going to happen.

Now on to other things.... Oh man. It feels like forever since I've updated, even though it really hasn't been. Where do I begin? Well... It feels like I'm already drowning this semester, things have been so crazy. I had no idea that having 18 credits my Junior year would be this intense, but it really is. I'm excited to see what God does through everything though, and how he decides to use what I'm learning. I love all my classes, so that definitely makes things A LOT better.

As far as my personal life goes, things have been so great. I've been able to really connect with good friends, and spend as much time with them as I can in the midst of such a busy schedule. I've made new friends, deepened my relationships with old friends, and things have just been smooth for the most part! God has been so good. I even have had a smooth road for the most part in relation to the opposite sex! Haha. Without divulging much information, I went on a date this past weekend and we spent the majority of the weekend together, but after talking last night, this guy told me that he isn't sure yet what he wants, but he will let me know when he figures it out. So I figure that I'll just give him some space and let him sort through things. And I really feel like I'm okay with whatever the outcome is. If he wants to pursue something then I'm definitely not opposed to it, but if it's just a friendship thing, that's completely great too. I really have a heart to do what God wants for me, and I don't want to try and force things that aren't from Him.

God has really just given me a peace lately about my life and that He knows what He's doing. I may not completely understand it, but God always has and always will have the best plan for my life, and it's just up to me to trust Him. Today in chapel was such an encouragement toward that. We sang a song that I had never sung before, but it was simply amazing. It said:

Be the center of our lives

Be the place we fix our eyes

Be the center of our lives

And You're the center of the universe

Everything was made in You, Jesus

Breath of everything living thing

Everyone was made for you

You hold everything together

---

That is SO convicting, and SO true. Jesus needs to be the center of my life. It shouldn't be an option. Yet, so many times I put my hopes and my desires in front of Him, instead of giving them up entirely to Him and letting Him deal with them as He wants. I just need to trust that He has everything under control, and He's not going to let me slip through His fingers. God is good and gracious, and He is the ultimate provider for everything I need. For example, I was just talking with the women's ministry leader at this church, and she talked about how they may not be able to pay me this summer because it's not even figured into their budget, but it's okay. I know that if it's what God wants me to do, He will provide. Even if I have to get support for the summer, I will do it.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers as I try to understand what God wants me to do this summer, and more importantly that I will trust Him with whatever direction He decides to take me in. Our God is so good, and I just want His will to be done. I have my own desires and my own plans, but ultimately it's his plans that really matter.

Square One.

2010-01-22T16:35:00.002-06:00

Well, I met with my advisor today about wanting to work with the publishing company for my internship. And... she said no. It's really disappointing, but I guess if it's not supposed to happen, then it's not supposed to happen. And these are the times when I really have to remember that God is in control and He has the future mapped out for me.

I actually just got invited by a friend to live with her over the summer and do my internship here in Chicago.... And I gotta say... That doesn't sound half bad. I think it would actually be really fun to live in Chicago over the summer, so I guess we'll see what happens!

Please just be in prayer for me about these decisions and pray that God gives me the wisdom to make the right ones and know what direction He wants me to go in. I might still just live at home during the summer, but I'm really undecided. I would actually absolutely love to live in the city over the summer, especially if I was living with my friend Kathryn. Again, just please be in prayer for me. Thanks. :)

Free. :)

2010-01-19T22:57:00.001-06:00

For all my friends who have read my blog and have heard me talk about a certain person and how I agonized over it...... Well, I just had this type of a moment: (Not all the details are true, obviously, but you get the point.)

Especially the end.... This is me RIGHT NOW. And it feels so... so good. :)

Burdened.

2010-01-18T13:56:00.001-06:00

My heart is heavily burdened for the people of Haiti right now. Mark Driscoll, the pastor of Mars Hill in Seattle and James MacDonald, the pastor of Harvest Bible Chapel here in Chicago, are down there right now. I just received a twitter update from Pastor Mark saying that he just saw a teenage boy get shot in the head and die instantly down there. It's hell on earth there right now, and there needs to be constant prayer for our fellow human beings. We need to take action instead of saying that this is a very unfortunate thing and not really doing anything further about it. This is very, very serious. A country has been absolutely devastated and destroyed by this terrible disaster.

Pastor Mark and Pastor James started a website before they left in order to help raise money for Haiti, and I would highly encourage you all to look at it and ask yourself if you are called to give to this cause. If you can't give financially or physically, then please do everything in your power to continue praying for this country and for everything that is going on. Prayer is the very least and the very most we can do.

Please take a look at the website:

http://www.churcheshelpingchurches.com

A Paradox.

2010-01-14T19:15:00.001-06:00

As I am sitting in the library tonight, I cannot bring myself to stop thinking about the terrible devastation that has occurred in Haiti. Fox News was on the television at the library all afternoon while I was working, and it was heartbreaking to see the horrific results of that deadly earthquake just 48 hours ago. After work, I walked over to the coffee shop on campus, only to see that the news was also playing in that room. It was there that I realized this paradox or oxymoron, if you will: In the same eyeline as the television showing this disaster, the dead and the mourning, I saw college students laughing and enjoying each other.

It caused me to ponder my own life's tragedies, and how it seemed so strange for the rest of the world to continue when my world had completely stopped. In a way, it seems as though we should all be mourning along with the rest of Haiti because of how devastating this disaster is. Please don't mistake me on this, though. I am in no way judging those that are still laughing in the midst of this - heck, I was laughing with a friend just a half an hour ago, and I am sure that everyone else has done the same.

However, seeing the effects of the earthquake should sober us to the reality of how fragile this world and human life is. Thousands of people died - let that sink in for a few moments. This is no small issue. To put it bluntly, these thousands of people met their eternal fate through this tragedy, either walking into eternal glory with God, or being separated from Him forever. Do we really ever stop to think about this?

Through this, I am reminded of what we as Americans do when a celebrity passes away. We've mourned the loss of Heath Ledger, Brittany Murphy, Roy Disney, and others. We mourn the loss because we will no longer see the evidence of their talents, but when was the last time we stopped to think about the eternal ramifications of their deaths? These people, though very successful on earth, are very likely now separated from God forever. This is huge.

This convicts me, because it makes me realize how little effort I put into telling others the Gospel and sharing my faith. I am always too afraid - too afraid that they won't like me anymore, too afraid that they'll think ill of me, too afraid that I might be hurt by their comments. But really, what does this matter in light of eternity? In light of their eternal destination? My fears are nothing in comparison with that realization.

I am at a loss to give a satisfactory challenge to my readers. I know this was a depressing blog, but these thoughts are burdening my heart and mind right now. Maybe this didn't make sense, but I needed to get it out.

Ready, set, GO.

2010-01-12T12:39:00.001-06:00

So, it's day 2 of classes, which also means that it's day 2 of no Facebook for me. And so far, so good! Classes have been really good for me so far. I'm excited about all of them! I dropped Minor Prophets because it was going to be RIDICULOUS, and I'm going to be taking Romans instead. It's a required class, but I wasn't going to take it until next year. However, I'm okay with taking it this semester. The main assignment that I'll do for that class is memorize the ENTIRE book of Romans! How cool is that? It will take the place of a lot of other assignments in that class, had I not chosen to do the memorization. The first portion is due on the 18th of February, and it's 4 chapters. So I'd better get crackin'!

I have to say, I am SO excited about this semester. I said before that I was skeptical about being back, but if things keep going the way that they are, I should be okay. I've been able to see that there are people who actually really do care about me, and that's been nice to see. Right after lunch today I got a HUGE hug from one of the guys I work with, and that was really encouraging. I've also been really proactive in eliminating drama in my life, including someone who said that he wanted to have coffee with me in order to work out a "problem." Without giving much detail, this guy and I are no longer friends, and haven't been since October. Because of that, I don't see any problem to work out, and I told him that I was uncomfortable meeting with him because I didn't think it would solve any problems, but make things worse because I knew that I shouldn't actually see him face-to-face. I don't know if he understood or not but regardless, I did what I needed to in order to cut down on the drama.

I know that this semester is going to be hard enough academically, and that's why I'm taking these steps. I have to become healthy emotionally in order to succeed academically. Some people don't understand why I've taken a month off of Facebook, but that's a huge part of it. In no way, shape, or form do I judge anyone who is on there all the time, because I'm normally one of those people. But for my own health right now the best thing for me to do is to not be part of that social network.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have Self-Defense in 15 minutes, so I need to head over to the gym. Love you all. :) I would love to keep in touch with my friends while I'm not on Facebook, so don't be afraid to call, text, or email me. All that info is on my profile. Bye for now!

New Blog.

2010-01-08T20:08:00.000-06:00

Because of my newfound desire for a certain direction in my life, I am desiring to refine my writing skills through constructing small Bible Studies and such from my daily devotions. I have a new blog for it, and would love for you all to follow it and give me constructive criticism on what you about it. What I should keep, what I should change... etc. Thanks, you guys. :)

http://bethsbiblestudies.blogspot.com .

Update.

2010-01-08T14:12:00.001-06:00

Well, it's been a few days so I guess I'll give an update on everything that's going on. I got back to Chicago on Tuesday afternoon, and it was pretty annoying trying to get my luggage. The display board had my flight up, and then all of a sudden it disappeared, so there was a good 20 of us at least who were wandering around, trying to figure out where our luggage was supposed to come out. After a few phone calls to my dad and trying to see if it was updated on the internet and a lot of confusion, the board was finally updated and I was able to get my bag. I was pretty worried for a while, though!

It was nice once I actually got back on campus. I really don't like travelling to and from the airport. It's a pain in the butt. So when I actually got to my room, it was really nice to just relax and not have to worry about anything.

I was really skeptical about being back though, and I still am. I don't want this semester to be like the last one in any way. I am determined to be proactive and intentional about making my semester different. The past few days have been good, though. All of the new students are moved in, and they seem really nice. Especially the new girls on my floor - I think I'm going to like them. :)

-----

So this semester is going to be one full of A LOT of busyness and stress, but I'm going in with guns blazing. I have 18 credits, a women's ministry to head up, an internship to design, and other miscellaneous things to do. I'm really looking forward to seeing how God decides to work and reveal Himself in my life throughout this time. I also am beginning to have more of a direction with my life, and I'm so excited about that.

Let me explain a little bit more: over break, I began getting questions about what I want to do after graduation, since I only have 3 semesters left. For a while I had absolutely no idea, so I began to think of how I could possibly use my degree in Women's Ministry and Biblical Languages. Then it hit me: I love to write. (Hence, the blog). I really want to begin refining my skills, because once I graduate Moody, I'm looking at going to grad school for Journalism. What I would really like to do is write for a Christian publishing company after school. So in order to do that, I need to get my masters. I'm not sure exactly where I want to go, but what I do know is that I want to go somewhere totally different. I would love to end up somewhere where I don't know anyone at all, and I have to start completely fresh. That just sounds like a wonderful idea to me. :) I've been considering maybe somewhere in Dallas or Oregon. I still need to research schools obviously, but yeah.

Earlier I talked about designing an internship, and that relates to my desire to work for a publishing company. For the Women's Ministry major the internship is designed specifically for a church setting, but if I design it well enough I might be able to get approval from my advisor. Please be praying with me on this! I think it would be a great opportunity to do that internship because it would directly correlate with what I want to do after I graduate. If I got this internship it would also mean though that I wouldn't be at camp next summer, but that's a sacrifice I am willing to make in order to do what's best for my future. I guess we'll just have to see where God leads and directs, eh? :)

Anyway, I think that's enough of an update for now. I'm sure I'll have more to update about once classes begin. I'm gonna get back to my Systematic Theology reading now....

Deletion.

2010-01-04T11:05:00.001-06:00

Is that a word? Meh, oh well. This blog is being written simply to state that I'm going to be deleting my facebook account for a while. After making this announcement I'll keep it up for a few more days so people who don't get online can see the update, but I definitely taking the step to delete it for a while. I'm considering going a month without facebook. Maybe I won't actually delete my account, but I won't be going on at least for a month. Can I do it? I think I can. I'll have plenty of things to do in the mean time.

What I'm realizing is that I spend way too much time on facebook, which is a waste of time and a completely impersonal way of trying to stay in touch with people. The people that I really care about and who care about me are in my phone book and I'm in theirs, and if they want to talk to me, then they will. I'm tired of trying to keep in touch with people who don't care to keep in touch with me, and I need to be able to focus on where I'm at and what I'm doing at the moment instead of talking to people that I'll either never see again or who just really don't care about our friendship.

This is a big step for me. It sounds pathetic since it's just facebook, but it's true. I need to move on with my life and do something different. I need to work on myself and who I am in Christ instead of being focused on how many people I'm friends with, what pictures I'm tagged in, etc. I'll be keeping up with my blog and updating people through that, so you can follow my blog if you'd like. If not, then I'll talk to you all in a month.

There Will Be a Day.

2009-12-30T18:45:00.002-06:00

I know this is my second post of the day and my like, millionth in the past few days, but this song is absolutely amazing. God is so, so good.

There Will Be a Day: Jeremy Camp

I try to hold on to this life with everything I have

But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab

That many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth:

That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings

That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears

No more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place

Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to You always

I know the journey seems so long

You feel like you're walking on your own

But there has never been a step

Where you've walked out all alone

Troubled soul don't lose your heart

Cause joy and peace He brings

And the beauty that's in store

Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

There will be a day with no more tears

No more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place

Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to You always

I can't wait until that day where the very One

I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced

To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery

Oh this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears

No more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place

Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to You always

There will be a day with no more tears

No more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place

Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to You always

There will be a day He will wipe away the tears

He will wipe away the tears

There will be a day

Absolutely Overwhelmed.

2009-12-30T09:45:00.002-06:00

Oh my dear friends... You have been absolutely amazing. I haven't felt more supported and loved than I do at this very moment. Receiving all of the facebook messages, comments, and texts has been so special. Thank you all so much for your prayers. I couldn't ask for more. You all are truly great, and I am blessed to have you all in my life. Thanks again. I really, really appreciate it.

Time For You to Learn More About Me.

2009-12-29T15:46:00.001-06:00

I've been really thinking today, and I think it's time that I shared something about my life that not a lot of people know. I won't give many details, but it's about a sickness that I've had to deal with for thirteen years.

I have a disease called ulcerative colitis, which is an inflammation of the colon. It bleeds, can develop polyps easily, has difficult side effects, and also increases the risk of cancer. For the majority of my life I have been blessed to be fairly healthy. Sometimes though, I would have flare-ups resulting in embarrassing and difficult consequences. However, I never really thought much of this. I just took it in stride and moved on. No big deal. I never really understood the seriousness of my condition until this morning, when I had my yearly colonoscopy.

It's difficult for me to talk about these things, but please bear with me. The way my doctor described my condition was that it's like someone took sandpaper to my colon and messed it up. It looks terrible (trust me, it does. I saw the pictures from the procedure). He talked about how surprised he was that I've been able to hold up so well given my circumstances and my condition.

I've never had huge problems with this disease before. For a couple years I was really close to remission, but now it's back and more active than ever. I am not telling you all these things in order to gain any pity of any kind, but rather to ask you for prayer. It's really difficult for me to ask this, because I want to be normal. I want to lead a normal life apart from any disease. But here's the truth: I can't. I can be fairly normal, but I am always going to have this to deal with.

I'm continuing on my regular medication for the next 2 1/2 months, and then I have to get blood tests during spring break and meet with my doctor to see if anything else needs to be done.

I don't like asking for prayer for things like this - I feel like I should be able to handle it. But the truth is that I need prayerful support from my brothers and sisters in Christ. If you would be willing to do that, I would be more than grateful. Thank you to all of you who have supported me and will continue to support me. It's a huge encouragement.

I'm grateful to God to be as healthy as I am. It definitely could be a lot worse. God is good, and I know that His grace is sufficient for me. He gave me this to deal with for a reason, and even though I don't know what it is, I know that it is for my ultimate good and His ultimate glory. God is truly showing me that in my weakness, He is truly strong.

Media and The Church

2009-12-29T07:25:00.001-06:00

I watched the Nightline special about idol worship featuring Mark Driscoll a few months ago, and it really got me thinking. The media has SO much influence on what people think about the church. The main video clips that they used to illustrate church was with an organ and hymns. This is not what the contemporary church is like at all.

I also feel as though they made Christians look as if they were not intelligent, but all about "feeling good inside." I could be completely off in this and have missed the point entirely, but that's what watching those clips made me think.

It's as if they are portraying the church as a group of people who do not live under freedom, but simply under a set of rules that are just put in place in order not to allow them to have "fun." For example, whenever a Christian is portrayed on television to be practicing abstinence, they are seen as ridiculous and they never know why they are doing what they're doing, except for the fact that it's what their pastors and parents told them to do.

Real Christianity is not what the media portrays. However, I think it is important for Christians to see how non-believers view Christianity so that we might be able to most effectively minister to them. For anyone who has seen the movie Saved! knows what I'm talking about. This movie is absolutely filled with what the world thinks of us as Christians. It mocks, pokes fun, and desecrates Christianity in a way that is really depressing. Worship times are seen as just concerts with everyone putting their hands in the air for no apparent reason, gospel messages that are given are only of fire and brimstone, even the best Christians in the movie lead double lives, and so on. While this movie is upsetting though, I do believe that it is important for all Christians to see it so we can be aware of what people really think.

Everywhere you look on television you will find that Christianity is misrepresented. It is very rare for Christianity to be portrayed in the correct light so that people may see it for what it really is. While it is important to have a sense of humor about these things as well, we also need to be sobered to the fact that the people who make fun of Christianity, whether it is in the form of innocent humor or malicious slander, there is at least a small kernel of truth that they really think those things themselves.

And instead of judging those people like so often happens, it is important that we pray for them and minister to them so that they may see the real love of Jesus, instead of having their stereotypes confirmed. I know that I personally spend too much time judging those that make fun of Christianity instead of feeling pity and compassion for them, so I am very challenged by this as well. Can we do this? Can we reach out to those who hate us because of our faith, and hate the church? It may be difficult, and it may be uncomfortable, but God did not call us to live comfortable lives. He called us to live holy and blameless lives, and through living in that manner we will have difficulties.

But remember this: we still have freedom here in America, even if it is being taken away little by little. We are so blessed to be in this country, because there are people all over the world who are dying for their faith. We really do not have to worry about this here. So instead of becoming lazy and comfortable, why don't we take advantage of our situation and reach out to as many people as we can?

Tales from the Freaked-Out Cat-Sitter.

2009-12-27T01:56:00.001-06:00

So here I am, housesitting for my sister and her husband while they're away. I should have known that it was going to be "iffy" and different for me... I've never done well with being by myself at night. I normally start to think about all sorts of things and get worked up about the smallest noises in the house. Tonight is exactly one of those nights.

I was already a tad nervous as I normally am when I shut the lights off in the house, and then right when I was about to fall asleep, a loud alarm from the building across the street went off - whether it was a fluke or someone actually tried to break in, I have no idea. All I know is that this alarm ruined my night of sleep. It's 1 a.m. and I have no clue if I'm ever going to get to sleep.

I think my sister's cat is getting a little tired of my restlessness. He keeps moving and looking up at me like he's waiting for me to turn off the computer and go to sleep so that HE can go to sleep. He's still purring though, so that's a good sign. Right now he just moved from sleeping at my side to sleeping on top of me... I think he's trying to tell me something. But alas, I'm too filled with adrenaline to fall asleep. Hopefully I'll get some sleep, since I have to get up early to go to church with my parents in the morning.

... And here I did it again. Freaking out, just because I heard the heater turn on. Oh goodness, this could be a long night. On the bright side though, I think I'm realizing that I'm much more entertaining when it's late. I don't think I normally write like this, but tonight I am.

Well, I guess I'm just going to have to trust that God's going to take care of me, and everything will be all right. Will I turn off the computer yet? Um... not likely. I'm considering sleeping with the bedroom light ON tonight. We'll see what happens.

---- On a completely unrelated note... I just got done watching Julie and Julia (fabulous movie, btw) and I'm starting to realize how curious it is that you can just click "publish post," and you're basically an author. Whether your writing is wonderful or simply atrocious, it doesn't matter. People will still read what you've written and possibly comment on it. How will we know who the actually good writers are anymore if people are continuously publishing crappy things and are being told that their posts are really good by their friends who are just trying to make them feel better? Hm... I hope I'm not one of those. Anyway, I digress.

I'm going to see if I can't calm down and get some sleep... Praying through the alphabet and counting sheep are always good methods.

Goodnight.

Beautiful the Blood.

2009-12-26T22:11:00.001-06:00

Thank you Jesus, for Your Sacrifice.

I never knew
Death could be so sweet
I never knew
Surrender could feel so free
I never seen
Such meekness in majesty
That the blood of Jesus
Was bled for me

And now I sing
Freedom for all my days
It's only by
The power of the cross
I'm raised
The King of Glory
Rescued me

How beautiful the blood flow
How merciful the love show
The King glory poured out
Victorious, I'm weeping

Never knew through these nails
Would love unfold
And never knew these wounds
Would heal my soul
I've never seen
Such beauty and sorrow meet
The blood of Jesus
Was bled for me

And now I sing
Freedom for all my days
It's only by
The power of the cross
I'm raised
The King of Glory
Rescued me

[Repeat Chorus]

Now I'll sing
Freedom for all my days
It's only by
The power of the cross
I'm raised
The King of Glory
Rescued me

[Repeat Chorus]

How beautiful you are
How merciful you are
How glorious you are
Christ the Savior
How beautiful you are
How merciful you are
How glorious you are
Christ the Savior

Christmas.

2009-12-24T16:55:00.001-06:00

Well, I figured since I'm not going to be online on Christmas day, I'll go ahead and post today. Lately I have been completely convicted by so many people regarding the Christmas season and story. I have heard that story so many times that sometimes I feel as though I have become calloused to it. This is a sad truth to learn, because it is the most amazing story in all of history. The God of the universe coming down in the form of a baby just to grow up and die to save a wretched and despicable human race from eternal punishment. Yet too often I read/listen to the story, and my mind becomes foggy because I am hearing the same story for maybe the hundredth time (no exaggeration).

But I think God is bringing me back to my senses. He has put people in my life either directly or indirectly to show me how I should be reacting to the Christmas story. First of all, there's Matt Chandler and his family. I know I talk about them a lot, but I am just in awe of their faith amidst the storms of life. In the past few weeks Pastor Matt has been talking about the Christmas season and how in awe he is that God would do something so wonderful for him, and today I received his twitter update saying that his church service was almost unbearable because of how struck he was by God's grace and mercy. Um... Wow. How many times have I gone to Christmas Eve services and just yawned the whole time because we're singing the same songs we sing every year and listening to the same story over again?

Two other people that have struck me are John, a man who goes to my sister's church, and my dad. Both of these men are strong believers, and still get choked up whenever they read the Christmas story. I am so, so humbled by this. Even though I may be filled with emotion over the story and what God did, I don't remember the last time I cried because I thought about the birth of Jesus Christ.

I feel renewed. The faith of all three of these men has brought me to a new place of wonder with the Christmas story, and I am eternally grateful to God for that. He is so good and so gracious, and I long to praise him more and more because of His great love for all of His children.

Thank You Lord, for Your wonderful gift. May we who follow You never be the same again, but be permanently transformed by your sacrifice for us. We are so undeserving, yet You loved us enough to be "unjust."

Praise be to God, the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Amazing Pastor.

2009-12-21T18:55:00.001-06:00

Message from Matt

- Matt Chandler is a great man of God, and is such an encouragement, even though he is struggling with brain cancer.

Questions That Fog Up My Mind.

2009-12-20T16:51:00.002-06:00

I know that we're supposed to forgive others after they've hurt us and lied to us, but what happens when they've done it time after time in the past and then ask you to trust that they've changed? Do you just take them at their word, even though they've had a history of breaking your trust?

I know someone who told me that he doesn't expect his friends to earn his trust. Because they're his friends, he just automatically trusts them, even if they lie to him multiple times. I don't think I agree with that. I've severely broken people's trust in the past, and because I cared about them, I wanted to earn their trust back. I knew that I couldn't just expect it to be there.

But what do you do when someone tells you they've changed? That they're not the person they were, and that their heart is in a completely different place? I want to trust this person. I really do. I'm just afraid of being disappointed and hurt again. But do I put that aside in order to hope for the best?

Life can be so confusing. I know that I'm to forgive this person, but I'm not sure if I have to trust them and everything they say. I guess I'm just afraid of them walking away from the friendship if I tell them that I don't trust them. Is that a chance I just need to take?

Oh goodness.

Going Through the Motions.

2009-12-18T23:10:00.001-06:00

Amazing song by Matthew West. Very moving.

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
take me all the way (through the motions)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

God's Beauty.

2009-12-15T08:41:00.001-06:00

Have you ever sat back and wondered about how God could make a world that is so complex, strange, and yet beautiful at the same time? I certainly have. I visited a church this past Sunday (The Painted Door), and the pastor talked about God's beauty and what it really means. He talked about how we were made to recognize the beautiful. We were made to desire that. And yet, in our desire and our pursuit of the beautiful, we completely miss the point.

We end up settling. We settle for what's here on earth and begin to think that this is the most beautiful that it can get. Whether it is two hearts uniting as one, the miracle of birth, or the changing of the seasons, we mistake earthly beauty as God's best for us.

But this isn't the case.

God's beauty far surpasses everything that this world has to offer. This world will pass away, but God will endure forever, and He is the one who set everything into motion. God did not just create one aspect of the world and one aspect of beauty, but He created the entire thing. This must mean that God transcends this beauty.

When we pursue beauty, it is true that we do not just want to settle for something that looks "nice." We want something that other people can marvel and wonder at. This sometimes manifests itself in art, a successful job, material things, or lusts of the flesh.

The pastor of The Painted Door, Mark Bergin, talked about the fact that because we want what is most beautiful, we end up chasing other people and desiring that beauty, because we are made in the image of God. We are as close as it gets to seeing the true beauty of God. Have you ever stopped to think about this?

Being created in the image of God is not just a "nice thought," or something that you tell others to make them feel better about themselves. This idea, this truth, is huge. To be made in the image of God is to be infinitely valued. We are not just randomly made through evolutionary processes, but we have a purpose. But sadly, this is what we settle for most often. We think that it is enough to find a beautiful person and be satisfied with that. But there is so, so much more.

Mark Bergin said something on Sunday that really struck me. He said, "The cross of Christ is without question the most beautiful thing in all of human history." How could this be? Christ's death was anything but beautiful. It was bloody, gory, and shameful. Yet what it represented is what is truly beautiful. He endured that wretched death in order to save wretched sinners. Wretched sinners like me, like you, like everyone who has ever lived and will ever live. He died so that we may live in eternity with Him in heaven, if we accept His gift of an intimate relationship with Him.

This..... This is beauty.

Shout of the King.

2009-12-11T20:57:00.001-06:00

Well if this song isn't convicting... I don't know what is. God deserves my praise, even when I am going through the darkest of moments.

----------------------------

I give You praise for You deserve it
I give You praise for what You've done
I give You praise for You are able
I give You praise 'til I overcome

I give You praise when the sun is shining
I give You praise in the dark of night
I give You praise when the battle rages
I give You praise 'til it works out right

The shout of the King is among us
God lives here in our praises
The shout of the King is among us
Praise Him praise Him
Praise Him in everything

Heaven opens as we sing Your praise
Angels join us as we praise Your name

My Affections, My Obsession.

2009-12-11T12:03:00.002-06:00

I had an epiphany last night. What's funny is that it's nothing new. My epiphany was simply this: that when I feel the desire and "need" to be with someone, that I shouldn't make a person the object of my affections, but God and God alone. I've done the complete opposite so many times. I have tried to fix my problem by fixated my emotions and longings on one person, and this is a habit that I have to destroy. My obsession needs to be for Jesus Christ. I need to be wholly devoted to Him and what He wants for me - not what I want for myself. I need to strive every day to do His will and I need to know that He knows what's best for me.

No matter what, God needs to be my love and my obsession. I shouldn't ever settle for anything less.

Last week of classes already?

2009-12-09T08:32:00.001-06:00

Wow, I can't believe how quickly this semester went. It's pretty ridiculous, actually. I feel as though I just got here a little while ago, and now it's already time to leave for Christmas break. And I have to say... I'm not really upset by that fact.

To be completely honest, this has been the worst semester that I have ever had. So many things have happened in my life that makes me want to crawl in a hole and not come out for a very, very long time. Part of those things have been my fault, but I can't blame myself for everything that has happened.

It's these kinds of situations (losing friendships/relationships) that make it really difficult for me to trust God. Does He really have the best for me? Does He really know what He's doing? The question is of course yes, He does. He's God, after all. But for some reason, I just have such a difficult time trusting Him when I'm going through one of the most trying times that I have ever experienced. It's like I have all this head-knowledge, but not the heart-knowledge that God is good and knows what He's doing, and it's the hardest thing in the world to make that transfer of knowledge from the head to the heart.

I wish I could end this on a happy note and say "God is good" or "I'm getting through it." But honestly, those are just cliche Christian answers that people give so that no one will see how much they're really hurting. I don't want to do that, because sometimes you just can't pretend like everything's okay when it's really not.

I'm thankful for the upcoming break from school. Hopefully it'll give me a chance to clear my head and remember who God is. I'll be spending a few days alone at my sister's place because she and her husband are going to California, and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm really desperate for time with God so we can sort things out.

Please pray for me. While I have friends to talk to in order to help me push through, it's still not easy and I'm still struggling.

Speak Through Me.

2009-12-06T21:13:00.001-06:00

Tonight while writing a paper, I started listening to a new album by one of my favorite bands, Green River Ordinance. I knew that they were Christians, but had never heard an actual Christian song by them until I came across the song "Speak Through Me." GRO isn't a well-known band at all, but this song is absolutely incredible and SO powerful. Here are the lyrics:

Holding on to all you gave to me
Times I feel the furthest from complete
In the echoes of your confidence
Remind me of the consequences you undo

So here I stand today
Open eyes and open praise for you
You were there when everything came down
I owe you all my heart
My God

So I hear the people talk
Their voices so unclear
But I keep you in my head, keep you in my eyes
Where there's nothing left to fear

In the echoes of your confidence
Remind me of the consequences you undo
So here I stand today
Open eyes and open praise for you
You were there when everything came down
I owe you all my heart
My God

So speak through me
So loud and so clear
I want to feel you here

---------------------

Um, wow. That's all I have to say. This song feels as though it was written specifically for my prayer and praise to God. This is so much of how I have been feeling about everything lately. I have screwed up so many times, been so broken beyond what I thought could be repaired, and God lifted me up from the mire. He is still in the process of lifting me and rescuing me, but I know that He's doing it. I am moved to tears because of this realization and reality. I really do owe Him everything, and I want Him to be near me always and I want to feel Him here.

I get so discouraged and downtrodden so many times because often it feels as though God is silent and so distant. Right now is completely different, though. I should be writing my paper, but I can sense God's presence SO strongly. I know that He is speaking to me through this song, and I cannot keep quiet about what He is saying to me. He wants me to know that it's okay, that everything is going to be alright, and that He's right here with me to bring me through.

I am constantly amazed and astounded at the God that I serve. I can never thank Him enough for what He has done for me. I love Him with every breath of my being, and I long to serve Him with everything that I have. I owe Him that.

Oh God, you are more wonderful than I could ever imagine.

Ordained.

2009-12-01T15:01:00.001-06:00

Today in my Systematic Theology class with Dr. Finkbeiner, we discussed the issue of human freedom and God's sovereignty. This topic has always interested me, and so as I processed through all the information (definitely more than I normally do) I began to think about what some of my friends believe about God's sovereignty, and I raised questions of my own.

I know someone who believes that God absolutely and actively (read more for what I mean about "actively) ordains everything, even our sin. This person says that God does so in order that He might be ultimately glorified in the end because He is the only One who can do right, and we are totally depraved beings. However, this has always presented an issue with me. Why would God basically force us to sin, and then give us the responsibility for doing it? Wouldn't that actually be God doing the evil and then just pushing the blame onto us? I have had the most difficult time with this, because I do not believe that it is God's character to actively ordain sin. There has to be human freedom involved with this.

However... let me be clear in saying that on the other side of things I do not believe in absolute human freedom. I will be bold in saying that I believe in Calvin's teachings on pre-destination, and I do not believe that we have the choice in whether or not we are saved. Even though God desires for all men to be saved, this does not mean that all men WILL be saved. However, I digress. My argument is not on eternal salvation at the moment, but on whether or not God ordains our sin.

My position on this issue is more in the middle of each side, which is "soft determinism." I talked with Dr. Finkbeiner today and he put it in such a way that was so clear and made a lot of sense (this is where my use of "actively ordaining" comes in, in case you were wondering). While God does in fact ordain everything because He is ultimately sovereign, there is a difference between active and passive ordination. For example, God has actively ordained certain individuals to receive salvation, but he has passively ordained sin to occur in our lives. Basically, this means that God allows it to take place. He obviously knows what we are going to choose, but we are able to make the choice all the same. He does not force us to do anything that we do not want to do. We make the choice to sin out of our own volition, and therefore it is our responsibility to repent for that.

This is such an encouragement to me because it shows that I am NOT a slave to my sin. If I am a daughter of the King, then I have the full ability to stand up against my sin with Christ's strength and conquer it. God does not actively ordain me to sin, which takes away my ability to "blame" him for my actions and say that He made me do it for His own "mysterious" reasons.

God loves me and He wants me to choose Him. Again, He chose me initially to be saved, but it is my choice whether or not I will follow Him and obey His commands instead of my own fleshly desires. He strongly desires for me to be in a right relationship with Him, but that means following Him even in the most difficult of times.

But what an encouragement we have in 1 Corinthians 10:13 which says,

"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, so that you may be able to endure it."

God will allow my sin to take place, but He provides a way out! I feel as though Romans 7 is one of my life chapters, because it consistently comes up as a theme in my life. I have written blogs and posts about this passage before, and I'm going to do so again. Romans 7:15-25 says,

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For i know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

God is SO merciful, and this is something that I am learning more and more every single day. Thank God for His active and passive ordination in my life, that I may be able to see Him more clearly, follow Him more closely, and love Him more dearly as long as I live.

Mm.

You Are Everything

2009-11-19T15:49:00.001-06:00

This song is amazing.... So needed. Mm.. God needs to not only be something in my life, but He needs to be EVERYTHING.

You Are Everything
By: Phil Wickham

Jesus, You're my everything
And my heart beats for you
Filled with power and mystery
Lord, I thirst for you
You are everything
You are everything

Lord, You are beautiful
Awesome and wonderful
I give You all of my life
Lord, You're the song I sing
Perfect in everything
I give You all of my life
For You are everything

You're the stone I rest upon
I find peace in You
I love You, Lord with all my heart
I place my hope in You
For You are everything
You are everything

Lord, You are beautiful
Awesome and wonderful
I give You all of my life
Lord, You're the song I sing
Perfect in everything
I give You all of my life
For You are everything

We Are No Better.

2009-11-17T14:58:00.002-06:00

Just a little while ago I started my personal study on the book of Romans, but while in the middle of chapter one, I had to stop. I was overwhelmed and filled with emotion because of my encounter with God. I was reading through Romans 1:18-32 when this emotion rose up within me, which some may deem as strange given that this passage just talks about God's wrath against the ungodliness of men. But before you continue reading on, read that passage, and maybe you'll see what I'm talking about.

Yes, God gives ungodly men up to their sinful desires and lusts if they decide to reject Him. I know someone who believes that God cannot feel hurt or pain, but that He simply does what He needs to do so that He can get the glory. I REFUSE to believe that. I refuse to believe that God is cold and unfeeling. While He knows that not all men will be saved, 2 Peter 3:9 says, "The Lord is not slow to fulfill His promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance." God WANTS the people of this world to come to Himself. He does NOT want people to suffer eternal punishment, but He knows that it is necessary in order for Him to be God. Not only is He a loving God, but He is a just God. There comes a point where God has to allow people to reject Him.

But I cannot imagine that this is easy for Him. At all. Think about it: God is the Father over all creation, and He loves the entire world. While we don't deserve His love, He loves us. He loves even those that choose to reject Him. So just as a Father feels pain over a child that has chosen to stray from the family and live a life of debauchery, so God feels pain over a person who sees God, spits in His face, and decides that they will live life on their own terms. What astounds me is that God KNOWS that this will happen. He KNOWS that people will reject Him. Yet He still feels pain over it, because He is an absolutely loving God.

This passage is so convicting in so many ways. God feels pain over those who reject Him, so why is it so often that I just blow people off? I hear about people getting so drunk that they can't remember what they did and end up sick the next day and just scoff at them and believe that they get what they deserve. I see girls being incredibly promiscuous and call them sluts. Oh, what a shameful Christian I am. I should not think of myself as better than them, but I should be hurting that they would choose a life like that over a relationship with Jesus Christ!

Never have I felt so convicted than in this moment that I should be praying for those who have turned away from God and have chosen to live a life of sin. One of the people I care about most lives so far away from God that few would think that he has any hope of being in a right relationship with God. I again refuse to believe that. While God does give people up to live their lives of sin, it is our job to intercede on their behalf and to ask God not to pour out His wrath on them, but to save them. I think our willingness to pray for those who are lost shows how much we really care about these people and their eternal destination. Am I too focused on myself and my "spiritual superiority" (ha.) to see that these people are no worse than I am, and that I need a Savior JUST as much as they do? I am no better, yet God chose to save me. Therefore I must pray that God will choose to save others.

If anyone is confused about whether or not those who continually choose to live against God's plan for them are worse than us "holy Christians," then let verses 29-32 be evidence that we are all on the same level.

They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God's decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.

There is not one person that can honestly say that they have never done any of the things on this list. We all have done at least one thing, but most often it's that we've done several of these. We as Christians are no better than anyone else, so there is no reason why we should not pray for those in our lives that we know are lost.

Rise up, fellow believers, and see what God sees in humankind. Do not allow Satan to have any victories over anyone, but take hold of the victory that we have already claimed in Christ Jesus, and show Satan that he has NO power in this world. In the end, it is God, and God alone, who will overcome.

------

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Changing it Up.

2009-11-16T08:05:00.002-06:00

Well, I think for my blog today I'm going to try and change it up. Instead of talking about issues and certain things that I've been thinking about lately, I think I'm just going to give an update on my life to this point.

So, first semester is almost over, and it seems absolutely insane to me that I only have one more semester to go before I'm a senior. A SENIOR. That scares me just to think about that, because I know what it means to be a senior. Good gracious, I'm not old enough. Anyway, this year I switched dorms that I lived in, and it has been absolutely wonderful. I'm not the type of person who can live in Houghton. I'm more independent and while I value community, I want to be able to have my time alone, too. Smith Hall definitely does that for me. I'm on the fifth floor, and while I'm disappointed that I don't know everyone on my floor, the women I do know are absolutely wonderful.

First off, there's my roommate, Michelle. I didn't know her coming into this year, but I'm so glad that we're roommates. She's another transfer from Spokane, but she came this year instead of last year with a different group. While we've had a couple of rough moments, I think our roommate relationship is great, and I've really enjoyed getting to know her and being her roommate. I'm excited to see what God has in store for our friendship in the next semester.

There are definitely other girls on the floor that I have absolutely loved getting to know. Andrea, Annie, Allie, Kelsi, Lauren, Rachel, Kara, Renee, Julie, Lisa.... and those are just a few. They have all been so great. Yesterday Andrea and I went to Berry Chill on a whim, and that was SO much fun. I think that she and I are giggle buddies. We've had some really good times which have included "Team Awesome", bananas, and John Jensen. :D

Mentioning John makes me think of my brother floor, and those guys are definitely awesome. Last year my brother floor was great, but this year is even better because I feel like we've actually connected as a bro/sis instead of it just being a few people who are friends. I've had so much fun with Jeff, David, Steven, Jeremy, Darryl, Matt, Jake, Joel, and others. Darryl now knows that he can't bet against me, otherwise he'll have to do push-ups. :D They're all really good guys, and I'm privileged to be able to get to know them.

The inauguration of our new president was this semester as well, and I am so thrilled that I got to be here to see that. Dr. Nyquist is going to be a great president, and I am so excited to see how God decides to use him.

While it's been a fun semester, it also has been the most difficult semester of my life. My break-up this summer definitely took more of a toll on me than I ever realized that it would, and I've just recently gotten to the point where I can completely move on from it. I am definitely thankful to God that I can move on, but it took A LOT to actually get to that point. I spent nights just crying in my bed after my roommate went to sleep because I was so focused on all the bad things going on and the aftermath of my relationship. God has granted me the ability to completely move on and see a different aspect of life though, and I thank him SO much for that.

I also changed my major somewhat this semester. I'm still women's ministry, but I'm now an interdisciplinary with biblical languages. Basically that means I'm going to die in my last 2 semesters. :) Especially 1st semester next year because I'll be taking Greek Exegesis and Hebrew Grammar I at the same time. But I think it's totally worth it, so I'll kill myself trying. :D I'm definitely so grateful for the opportunity to learn the original languages that the Bible was written in, because I think it will be very helpful in my future ministry.

God is good, and has blessed me with so many things. While it is difficult to see that sometimes, I know that He is there and He is looking out for my best interest, and for His glory at the same time. I have grown SO much this semester, and I'm excited to see how He decides to grow me in the near future.

This and That.

2009-11-15T14:25:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about my blog, and about the types of things I talk about and have talked about. What I'm realizing is that there have been many times where I have revealed more than I should on here. Now I'm not saying that all of my posts or even a lot of them have done this, but I know that at least a couple have been over the line. Not that they're not good topics, but there are some things that are better being unsaid.

Mostly I'm referring to my blog titled, "No-no." I'm still okay with the fact that I have that blog, but I do realize that I overstepped some boundaries with that, and I should not have posted ALL of it. I'll know better for the future.

I think that's something that anyone who is going to be involved in ministry has to learn, is that we're not going to get it right every single time, or even most of the time. We're going to mess up. We're going to look like fools, and we're going to say things that are going to shock some people because we've overstepped our boundaries. After we've learned what we've done wrong though, we need to know how to apologize.

I have a "friend" (and I may have talked about this before) who doesn't care at ALL about what anyone thinks about him, and isn't willing to change for anyone. Now, this can be a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. Yes, it's great that he does not want to give in to what other people may think that he should do, but there is also wisdom in learning from other people and truly listening to what they may have to say. If we only listen to ourselves and do not listen to others around us, I think we are in great danger of making some huge mistakes.

God has placed other people in our lives for a reason, and while we do not need to take heed to EVERYTHING that they say, we need to at least chew on it and see what we think about their advice. It could turn out to be wrong advice or with bad intentions, but we need to meditate on what people have to say to us in case God may be speaking to us through them.

So to those who have been offended by my posts in the past and I just haven't wanted to listen, I apologize. I realize now that it is important to listen to others and not to dispel all of my "dirty" laundry for everyone to see. To reveal it to some is fine, but it is not okay to reveal it to all.

Learning to Breathe Again.

2009-11-07T11:09:00.002-06:00

Life is going to get good again. I can feel it, and I'm so excited. To be completely honest, life has sucked up to this point in the semester. It has been the most stressful and difficult semester I've ever had, and I'm ready for it to be over. It actually hasn't been very stressful academically, but it has been so hard in the areas of my emotions and my spirituality.

It was twenty times more difficult to get over my ex than I thought it would be, but I completely cut off communication with him and I feel so completely free now. I had never realized just how much he had manipulated and used me throughout our relationship and our friendship. I know that I am a strong woman, and I deserve better than that, that's for sure. I won't stand for being treated less than I should be. Right now my ex and I are taking a month apart, but I have a feeling at the end of the month I won't care if I ever talk to him again.

In regards to my most previous post on the topic of prayer, God has revealed Himself even more to me throughout this whole situation. It is more than okay for me to pray for the things that I want and I long for, but if I also pray that God will do His will in the situation, then He will eventually change my desires to look more like His, and will help the pain to dissipate.

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I have a friend who, for our women's ministry mini-retreat read to us from Phil Vischer's book, "Sid and Norman: a Tale of Two Pigs." It sounds like a silly children's book, but when she read it to us I almost cried, and I also checked it out of the library a few days ago in order to read it again. The premise of this book is that there are two pigs who live next door to each other, but are complete opposites. The first one is Norman, who is an upstanding pig that always has his tie completely straight and tends to look down on others, and then there's Sidney who wishes he could be like him, but always seems to get everything messed up. His house is always a mess, his tie is never straight, he always gets in trouble, is always late for things, and can never be organized.

Both of the pigs get invited to talk to God one day, and while Norman is excited, Sidney is completely dreading and terrifed of the entire situation. Norman is sure that God is going to give him an award for being such a good pig, but this is not what happens. He walks in and God simply tells him that He loves him, but it's not because of his goodness that He loves him. He then tells Norman to stop looking down on other people and to realize that He loves them just as much as him.

Then comes in Sidney. Sidney is just sure that God is going to chastise him for not being good enough and for always messes up, but God again just simply tells him, "I love you." And then he said, "Secondly, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you." God did not want to tell Sidney everything that he was doing wrong. He simply wanted to tell him that He loved him just the way he was.

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I would highly recommend reading this book (Yes, it's a kids' book!) because of how encouraging and moving it is. I find that I identify myself with Sidney SO much. I feel as though I am always so disorganized and I can never get anything right, but the only ipmortant thing is how much God loves me. He doesn't love me because of anything I do or don't do, but simply because He can. This is huge, and makes me realize how awesome and wonderful He really is.

God's goodness is beyond comprehension and beyond anything that we could ever imagine. Just when I think that I understand and that He can't possibly be good to me because of how I've messed up, He continues to surprise me.

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Comments from the Overstressed and Overwhelmed.

2009-10-31T09:46:00.001-05:00

Do those two words mean the same thing? Mm... Probably. Oh well. I realized that it has been a while since I updated my blog, so I figured that I would go ahead and do that. To be honest though, I have been so busy with school, work, and life that I really haven't had the time to sit and contemplate things. I wish I did because I really enjoy it, but unfortunately school doesn't really allow for that right now.

I guess I do have a lot on my mind, but I don't really know what to point out at the moment. Maybe one thing to point out is how I'm struggling with prayer. I always hate how it seems like other people don't struggle with it but it comes so easy for them. That's definitely not the case for me. I have the hardest time praying because I feel so selfish praying for things that I want.

I know in my head that it's good to pray. I know that God tells us to pray for others and for the things that we want, but here's my dillemma: Who am I that I should try to approach the God of the universe to ask for something that I want? Shouldn't I just be grateful to be alive and take whatever He gives me without question? Why should I think that I deserve to receive anything from him?

I have been wrestling with these questions for such a long time now. I don't feel as though I'm worthy to ask for what I want. And I realize too that it's okay to ask for what I want as long as I'm okay with God saying no to that request. However, I really want to know if that's easy at all for ANYONE. Because frankly, as soon as I start praying about what I want I start to get my hopes up, and it just ends in disappointment because I find it to be one of the hardest things in the world to give what I want to God and then at the same time say, "Your will be done."

I don't think that I ask for too much, at least that's what I try not to do. I try to ask for the bare minimum so as not to make God think that I'm taking advantage of Him. But even as I write those things, I realize how absolutely ridiculous that sounds.

Of COURSE God wants me to ask for things from Him. That's the beauty of grace and mercy. He wants me to take advantage of that, and even take advantage of Him. But to really accept that in my heart is so incredibly difficult to do.

So now I will be thinking and praying about this further. Hm.. Praying about prayer. That's an interesting concept.

Here Master, in this Quiet Place

2009-10-22T16:23:00.001-05:00

This is an awesome song that I really need to memorize so I can sing it to myself during the times that I doubt God and what He can do.

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Here Master, in this quiet place, where anyone may kneel.
I also come to ask for grace, believing You can heal.

If pain of body, stress of mind destoys my inward peace,
in prayer for others may I find the secret of release.

If self upon the sickness feeds and turns my life to gall,
let me not brood upon my needs, but simply tell You all.

You never said, "you ask to much" to any troubled soul.
I long to feel Your healing touch, will You not make me whole?

But if the thing I most desire is not Your way for me,
may faith, when tested in the fire, prove its integrity.

Of all my prayers, may this be chief till faith is fully grown.
Lord disbelieve my unbelief and claim me as Your own.

Falling in Love

2009-10-18T09:38:00.001-05:00

This is a song by the band Falling Up (Thanks for introducing me to them, Roger) and it's AMAZING. It can be taken from the earthly perspective, but it's supposed to be about our relationship with Christ. It's convicting because I wonder how many times I actually think of God this way.....

Falling in Love
By: Falling Up

You are my one true love
You are the voice that is so sweet
In everything I do, you bring the best out of me
You are my wings to fly
You are the wind beneath them
I miss you every night, when I close my eyes
You put your feelings down
You stopped your tears you brought me love
You held to my heart
You held with hope to have me near
Sometimes I close my eyes
Sometimes I let my hunger rise
I think of all You are, You are the love of my life

(chorus)
All of my dreams and my passions
Are in Your hands

You reached me in my need
Your rhythm flows under my skin
I need you desperately,
A sweet healing that will begin
You are my one true love
You are the voice that is so sweet
In everything I do, you bring the best out of me
My everything is you
The very motions that I move
And everything with richness
The richness of the peace you bring

Always, always you are with me
You are the love of my life
He comes to find you on your knees

Called to the mission field?

2009-10-14T17:48:00.002-05:00

That question absolutely scares me to death. I have NEVER thought of myself as someone who could be called to be a missionary. Now, here's my thing: I don't want this sudden desire to be coming just from the hype of Missions Conference. This is why I'm really treading lightly. However, there are threads that have gone throughout my life that have made me think that I very possibly could be called, but I'm just now realizing it. But like I said, it's definitely something that I need to pray about.

Anyway, here are some things that have made me start thinking about the mission field. I have always loved Europe. I don't know if it's because it's always romanticized or whatever, but there's always been a drawing towards Europe for me. Last year at Missions Conference I went to a couple of sessions put on by Greater Europe Mission, but I didn't really think much about it. Then after Missions Conference my dad talked to me about a couple that they had met that worked at the headquarters in Monument, Colorado and they were looking for women to work with other women in London. I turned it down and didn't really think about it. And now this year again GEM is here and I have gone to all of their sessions. Each time I've gone, I've felt more and more excitement about what God may have in store for me, but more and more apprehension at the same time. And something that makes me apprehensive is the fact that I have had multiple people throughout my life ask me if I'm interested in missions, and then tell me that I should consider it.

If my point hasn't gotten across before, I am TERRIFIED to go overseas for a long period of time. But maybe that's just another reason why I should. I'm not a Christian so that I can feel "comfortable" and stay in my little box forever. I am a Christian so that I can follow God no matter where He may lead.

This brings me to another apprehension: I'm single. This fact does not really bode well for me if I were to go into missions. Sure, God can do anything and He definitely could bring someone along, but if I were to be a single missionary there is a very real possibility that I will always be a single missionary. This leads me into thinking that God could very well be asking me if I really am willing to follow Him anywhere, no matter what. Am I willing to go completely on faith with the possibility of denying myself of one of my deepest desires so that I can follow and serve Him?

I would like to sound really spiritual and answer "yes." But in order for me to do that right now, I would have to lie. I cannot with a completely clear conscience say that I would follow God that far. Sure, I can easily say that if God gives me someone before I go over there then I will be more than happy to serve Him overseas. But to tell Him that I will go even if that means staying single forever... Well, that's about the most difficult thing for me. Any other decision that I may make in my life seems as though it would be a piece of cake in comparison to that decision.

Faith is a huge theme that God is teaching me right now. This may be one of those things that He's trying to develop within my heart. I don't know where it will lead, but all I know is that I'm pretty sure I've just moved into a season of pretty serious prayer and really seeking God's direction and will.

God, give me ears to hear what You have to say, discernment to know that it's really You, and the courage to follow You, even when I may want to run the opposite direction.

Jim and Pam's wedding!

2009-10-09T12:40:00.002-05:00

Can I just say.. This is SO cute. I can't help but share it..

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

Oh So Lonely....

2009-10-02T19:49:00.001-05:00

Have you ever felt lonely, even though you're surrounded by tons of people? That's exactly how I'm feeling right now. I'm around people all the time, and lots of people know who I am. But all the relationships with those people are completely superficial. I just don't feel like I have many real friendships here. I feel as though if I stopped trying so hard with people, I would completely disappear... Besides people that I work in ministry with, I don't know if people would really notice if I were gone.

I hate that feeling. Because I should know that it's not true.I should know that people care about me. I just... don't right now. I don't see the evidence of it, and maybe that's because I'm just blinded. I don't know.

I just feel alone. And the pat, cliche answer of God always being there for us doesn't really help. It's just such an easy answer for everyone to give. But I just want some friends. Why are they so hard to find? I don't want superficial relationships anymore. I want deep, meaningful ones. Why is no one interested in a deep friendship with me? It just baffles me.

Ugh. I wish I didn't feel like this. I wish I could just be happy all the time. Maybe it's the weather getting to me... I don't know. We'll see how the next few days play out, I suppose.

Tied in Knots

2009-10-01T08:27:00.001-05:00

After talking to my mentor for a couple hours last night, I have realized even more how much of a verbal processor I am... And a writing processor through that..? Ha, I guess that's why my blogs are always so long and thoughtful. Anyway... here goes:
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Have you ever had moments, days, weeks, months where your stomach is just completely tied in knots, but there's really nothing you can do about it? I tend to get this a lot.. Especially since I'm a worrier and a stresser. I tend to get worried about my circumstances and everything that is going on in my life, and I therefore the knots just get tighter and tighter.

I know that God is teaching me so much more about having faith in him lately, but there are still times when it's really hard to have faith in Him. I want to know that He has the best for me in mind, and He knows what He's doing. It's easy to have the head knowledge of that. But when it comes to it being played out in my life.... well, that's not so easy. My heart is always behind my head when it comes to those types of things. I really want to believe in my heart that God knows what's best and He's going to do that. But then I'm always afraid that I've done something to mess up God's best and I'll no longer get it. *sigh*

I'll be honest and admit it - I wouldn't hate it if a few things in my life were different than they are now. Do I think that it's possible for things to be different? Unfortunately, no. I would LIKE not to be as busy as I am, and I would LIKE to have a man in my life. But frankly, those things can't change right now. There's no way that I can change how incredibly busy I am right now. it's just the way life is and the season that I'm in. And that runs into why I really can't have any guys in my life right now. I'm just too busy. I barely have time for myself and time to catch up with other friends, so I really have no time to squeeze a boyfriend into the whole mess... Even though I'm pretty sure if I had the opportunity I would probably try, even if it wasn't what God wanted. How's that for honest?

I really try to hold all of life with an open hand, even though i'm a person who really likes to make plans. But this makes life really confusing and difficult at times because it makes it hard to know what I want and what God wants. So here I am, holding my desire to be with someone with an open hand, but at the same time I am trying to hold my singleness with an open hand, in case God wants to change it.

This creates a dilemma. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's a dilemma nonetheless. I can't get comfortable in the situation I am in. If I do, then I feel as though it is tightening my grip on my life, and I am not allowing God to work. Is this really what's going on? I'm not sure, but I guess I always figure that it's better to be safe than sorry.

Does this therefore create discontent? It's very possible. Because this would then mean that I am essentially expecting my situation to change. I don't get comfortable. I don't let myself be okay with whatever is going on in my life at the specific time, because it could always turn around. While that's true, I shouldn't necessarily view things that way. God calls me to be content, no matter what situation I'm in. Does this mean that I cannot have desires that are different from the situation that I find myself in? I don't think so.

I think that the problem comes in when the desires take over and I can no longer function or interact with people without having evidence of those desires flow out. If the desires become my idol and they overtake my desire to serve God, that is when the problem occurs. I need to be willing to serve God wholeheartedly even when I would rather my situation be different.

Here is the material point: While I may want my situation to be different, God DOES know what is best, and He DOES work all things for the good of those who love Him. It's just my job to actually take that to heart and believe it.

On Prayer

2009-09-30T21:15:00.002-05:00

This is a short section out of Desiring God by John Piper that I wanted to share. It really hit me tonight since I've been thinking a lot about what prayer is and its importance:

"Jesus says to the woman, 'If you just knew the gift of God and who I am, you would ask Me - You would pray to Me!' There is a direct correlation between not knowing Jesus well and not asking much from Him. A failure in our prayer life is generally a failure to know Jesus. 'If you knew who was talking to you, you would ask Me!' A prayerless Christian is like a bus driver trying alone to push his bus out of a rut because he doesn't know Clark Kent is on board. 'If you knew, you would ask.' A prayerless Christian is like having your room wallpapered with Saks Fifth Avenue gift certificates but always shopping at Goodwill because you can't read. 'If you know the gift of God and who it is that speaks to you, you would ask - you would ask!

And the implication is that those who do ask - Christians who spend time in prayer - do it because they see that God is a great Giver and that Christ is wise and merciful and powerful beyond measure. And therefore their prayer glorifies Christ and honors His Father. The chief end of man is to glorify God. Therefore, when we become what God created us to be, we become people of prayer."